This One's for You Gipper

Well, today marks the 3rd anniversary of my dad's passing. When Terri and mom passed away, I was numb, actually, and the impact of their deaths did not quite reach me as deep at first. But, when I heard about Dad - I was completely aware of myself and the news was all too sobering. Straight up, immediate, take your breath away - NOOOOOOO! Mom was so gentle when she called and told me. She made sure Jay was with me before she would even say why she was calling.

I had been crying earlier that day and couldn't figure out why. Later, I discovered I had been crying at exactly the same moment my dad passed. Amazing how our spirits are more intertwined than we realize. My dad was at a point in his life where things seemed to be fitting together and he seemed very happy the last time I spoke with him just the week before. I had been looking forward to seeing him in a couple of weeks. I felt so guilty wishing I had called him the night before he passed. I almost did and got busy with the kids instead. Still regret not calling him to this day.

My dad always made me laugh. He was so funny and so well liked by everyone. He had a beautiful singing voice and I have many precious memories of him playing the guitar and singing. He was witty and intelligent, always thinking way outside of the box. He wrote stories and songs and even believed there had to be a real bigfoot or aliens out there somewhere. He had so much potential not even yet reached.

He used to share his peanut butter and honey sandwich and milk to drink with me when I was little while we watched the Dukes of Hazard on a Friday night. Just me and my dad. Then, of course, as Terri got older she joined us. Although Terri was much funnier than me and she and Dad always seemed like they shared some hillarious, inside joke that only they knew. We all loved Farside comics and the three of us would laugh for hours sharing Farside stories.

I never got as close to my dad as I wanted to. He always said that he didn't think I needed him because I already had it altogether and I had the Lord and Jay and that was enough. How silly, I said, all big girls are just little girls at heart and we still need our dads.

My dad came through for me last year in a surprising way. And boy did he come to check on me! He visited me in a dream just 3 nights before my mom passed away. I had not dreamed about him since he had passed away the two years before. I met him on the sidewalk in front of my house and I got to hug him - and it was a real hug! I was so excited to see him and he was just as excited to see me. I instantly started crying and saying, Dad! He said that I looked so sad. I told him it was because mom was about to die (even at that point, though, I had no idea mom would be dying in several days). He told me he knew that and it would all be okay - that he was here for me and so was God. That he loved me and would always be with me. At that point, we simply walked into my house and enjoyed our brief reunion.

The full impact of that dream did not hit me until a few days after mom died. I had the opportunity to tell her of it the day after I dreamed it. Looking back now, she seemed so at peace when I told her of it.

Friends, some things in life we just simply have no control over. And even though times can be really bleak and unfair, remember, that God knows we are hurting and He will find a way to love on us and protect us in the middle of it. I don't believe my dream was an accident. I completely, with my whole heart, believe God let me see my dad and have him deliver that message. You won't believe how special and strong I felt knowing that my dad and I had that time together and that dream carried me over the course of the next several days of mom's funeral and beyond. I haven't dreamed of him since then. Perhaps God will let me visit with him another time. I miss him so much.

Sometimes I feel like my family just got their ticket to the party before I did. They are all there wondering were we all are. I'm not gonna lie. I don't like they all get to be together in complete peace and with each other while I am left to endure the absence and the grief left in their wake. But I will tell you this. I will see them again and I must choose to believe that every day that I wake up.

Well - Dad, Deddy, Gipper, Granddaddy, Son, Bud - We all miss you and salute the wonderful man that you were and continue to be in our hearts and memories. Thanks for being my dad. Your spirit is with me even still. And the memory of your smile and laughter will never fade from me.

love always,
tot of the lot