I've been pondering all day how I feel and trying to come up with something to sum up what today means. It's not been easy. In fact, just an overall uneasy feeling all day. Nothing in particular, just indifferent.
And then it happened while I was cooking dinner. I couldn't get a cookie sheet to fit back in the cabinet and it all of a sudden it made me so mad that I took every pan, muffin tin, and cooling rack that I could get my hands on and pulled them out and threw them across the kitchen. At which point, Jay stopped in his tracks and asked if he could help. To which I just said, leave me alone. Bless his sweet heart, he's been through this enough to know what that means and he quietly walked out of the kitchen.
That's when I realized how to sum my feelings up in regards to today's 3rd year anniversary of Terri's death - ANGER AND LOTS OF IT! Well, I said to myself, I was wondering when this phase would happen - three years later. This grieving process has no time table, it just is what it is.
I've also realized that there is truly no point in hashing over what happened to sweet Terri. Heart defect or not, God knew that was her day to go "home". That her work on earth was finished. Soooooo crazy! At least to us, anyway. There are some things in life that are just never going to make sense and that's how it is. Losing my dad was one thing - he was obese and had smoked for years - a heart attack was probable. It was another thing losing my mom, her cancerous disease invaded her body and we knew eventually she would die from cancer. But, Terri - now that's one that just doesn't settle into my bones. There is no peace, just fact, really. It is what it is.
Where was God in all of this? He was there when Terri was giving Molly her last bath and when she tucked Molly in and said good night. He was standing right next to both of them. He was right in the bedroom when Terri looked at Joey and breathed her last. He was there when Joey called 911 and then several others of us to let us know what was going on. He was there when the paramedics desperately tried in vain to revive her. He was there holding me when I answered the phone and Joey told me she wasn't breathing. He was there when Joey called me back 45 minutes later to tell me they were at the hospital and she was officially "gone". He was there when I screamed into my pillow NOOOOOOOOOO! on the car ride over to mom's after I hung up the phone with Joey. He was there when I told mom the horrific news as she crumbled to the living room floor screaming and sobbing uncontrollaby. He was there when Joey was numb and in shock, and yet feeling the pain of Terri's seperation all at the same time. He was there when Renee and I did Terri's hair, make up and nails for the funeral. He was there when we all said our good-byes to her in the funeral home and at the cemetary. He was with precious Molly and with my mom as they both began to grieve. One too young to grasp the depth of this new situation and one wise enough to fully grasp and understand the depth of losing a child, as this was her second one she lost to Heaven. He has been there as each one of us has tried to pick up the pieces and move on. Heaven help us, we are moving on.
He is with us still. Each of us in our own unique way. I ask God all the time to give messages to Terri and my family. I believe with my whole heart that He does. And I believe that even they pray for us as we struggle down here. The only thing I do understand, through faith, is that God loves us and He will heal us. He truly knows our pain, friends, He really does.
I don't have to feel any certain way at all if I don't want to. God doesn't require me to feel anything, just to trust Him along the way. So, God I give you my anger tonight. My heart is heavy and I need your healing. We all need your healing.
Here are a few pictures of Terri. May we find a way to rejoice in her life, as short as it was, and ask God to heal the bad memories of that night and all the hard nights since then. May we honor Terri and live a life worthy of her smile and laughter. She would want us to give it our best, and for goodness sake, she would not want all this suffering for us. She just wouldn't.
I love you Terri, with every thing in me and I'll always love you forever. Still missing you deeply.......
love,
toe
1 comment:
I wept as I read this. I remember getting the news, and then feeling like I never got to say goodbye thanks to my very pregnant belly. I miss her so very much as well, but can't imagine the depth of your pain. Know that you are loved and prayed over on a regular basis.
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