Well....today's Sept. 29th....

Here's what I have to say about today - {{{{{{sigh}}}}}}}.

I've been pondering all day how I feel and trying to come up with something to sum up what today means. It's not been easy. In fact, just an overall uneasy feeling all day. Nothing in particular, just indifferent.

And then it happened while I was cooking dinner. I couldn't get a cookie sheet to fit back in the cabinet and it all of a sudden it made me so mad that I took every pan, muffin tin, and cooling rack that I could get my hands on and pulled them out and threw them across the kitchen. At which point, Jay stopped in his tracks and asked if he could help. To which I just said, leave me alone. Bless his sweet heart, he's been through this enough to know what that means and he quietly walked out of the kitchen.

That's when I realized how to sum my feelings up in regards to today's 3rd year anniversary of Terri's death - ANGER AND LOTS OF IT! Well, I said to myself, I was wondering when this phase would happen - three years later. This grieving process has no time table, it just is what it is.

I've also realized that there is truly no point in hashing over what happened to sweet Terri. Heart defect or not, God knew that was her day to go "home". That her work on earth was finished. Soooooo crazy! At least to us, anyway. There are some things in life that are just never going to make sense and that's how it is. Losing my dad was one thing - he was obese and had smoked for years - a heart attack was probable. It was another thing losing my mom, her cancerous disease invaded her body and we knew eventually she would die from cancer. But, Terri - now that's one that just doesn't settle into my bones. There is no peace, just fact, really. It is what it is.

Where was God in all of this? He was there when Terri was giving Molly her last bath and when she tucked Molly in and said good night. He was standing right next to both of them. He was right in the bedroom when Terri looked at Joey and breathed her last. He was there when Joey called 911 and then several others of us to let us know what was going on. He was there when the paramedics desperately tried in vain to revive her. He was there holding me when I answered the phone and Joey told me she wasn't breathing. He was there when Joey called me back 45 minutes later to tell me they were at the hospital and she was officially "gone". He was there when I screamed into my pillow NOOOOOOOOOO! on the car ride over to mom's after I hung up the phone with Joey. He was there when I told mom the horrific news as she crumbled to the living room floor screaming and sobbing uncontrollaby. He was there when Joey was numb and in shock, and yet feeling the pain of Terri's seperation all at the same time. He was there when Renee and I did Terri's hair, make up and nails for the funeral. He was there when we all said our good-byes to her in the funeral home and at the cemetary. He was with precious Molly and with my mom as they both began to grieve. One too young to grasp the depth of this new situation and one wise enough to fully grasp and understand the depth of losing a child, as this was her second one she lost to Heaven. He has been there as each one of us has tried to pick up the pieces and move on. Heaven help us, we are moving on.

He is with us still. Each of us in our own unique way. I ask God all the time to give messages to Terri and my family. I believe with my whole heart that He does. And I believe that even they pray for us as we struggle down here. The only thing I do understand, through faith, is that God loves us and He will heal us. He truly knows our pain, friends, He really does.

I don't have to feel any certain way at all if I don't want to. God doesn't require me to feel anything, just to trust Him along the way. So, God I give you my anger tonight. My heart is heavy and I need your healing. We all need your healing.

Here are a few pictures of Terri. May we find a way to rejoice in her life, as short as it was, and ask God to heal the bad memories of that night and all the hard nights since then. May we honor Terri and live a life worthy of her smile and laughter. She would want us to give it our best, and for goodness sake, she would not want all this suffering for us. She just wouldn't.

I love you Terri, with every thing in me and I'll always love you forever. Still missing you deeply.......

love,

toe

A Few Funnies & Fun

Okay, I've been serious enough lately. Here are a couple of funny and fun things happening around our household lately:

• Amber lost her first front tooth! This makes her 4th tooth she's lost all total. She's definitely becoming a pro at it. She did it all by herself insisting on privacy in the bathroom until the job was complete. That's definitely my girl!

• Emma got fitted for new glasses yesterday. The new ones will be pink and the frames more "grown up" for her. She is so excited to get them. It will take about a week to come in.



• Their school pictures came back great! I can't believe how much they've grown since last year's school pictures. My babies are not babies anymore, but "real" kids now.

• Lubby turned 14 years old this month and he's doing great for a grandpa dog! His hearing isn't so great, he moves slow, and sleeps alot, but pretty much is still up to the same old tricks. He can still climb up on the couch!

The other day the girls were playing in their toy room when I heard Emma getting very frustrated and crying. I came in to check on things. Emma was trying to stuff all of her play animals into the ark and the ark kept popping open. I told her that was too many animals to put in the ark and she proceeded to exclaim through tears that, "Mommy, they have to all fit because they have to sail across the ocean so they can go to Paris and see the Ipill Tower". I said, "You mean the Eiffle Tower? And she said, "No mom, the Ipill Tower". I asked her how did she even know of such a place and very definitively she said, "From Dora the Explorer". As if to say, mom get with the program. Too funny!

We are gearing up for fun fall activities. Bring on the pumpkins, apple cider, pumkin pies, fried apple pies, bonfires, hot chocolate, sweaters and sweatshirts, and beautiful orange, red, yellow and brown leaves. Thank you God for the changing of seasons as it sure is a reminder of your power and might through mother nature. You really are in control!

Who says making a way is easy?

Well, don't let my life be an illusion as to how "easy" this road is. Just when you think you "can do this" - lo and behold the reality can come and slap the bejeebas out of your face. I know my posts sound just downright peachy, but I feel I must post even when life feels like crap!

We are in the process of cleaning out our garage and the storage unit (where most of the rest of my mom's belongings are) so we can get ready for a garage sale next weekend. Most of the day yesterday I readily threw things away or eagerly put them in the garage sale pile without even feeling the least bit sad. And I was feeling downright proud of myself, until......I went back to the storage unit by myself and after 20 minutes I was okay until.....I looked in one last box. It held a variety of odd items. I found something wrapped in paper and realized it was a drinking glass and a long handle spoon right next to it. I immediately recognized what it was and why I put it there. When moving things out of mom's apartment last year, the last thing I brought myself to finally pack up were the last few random things on her kitchen counter. Mainly because it still felt like her home and she was there if the kitchen looked "normal" with dishes in the dryboard of the sink. Mom loved eating ice out of a glass - hence the long handled spoon. That was the last dish she used and washed and left to dry in her sink before she came to live with me and start hospice. That silly glass brought stinging tears to my eyes and an immediate guteral anger at God for making me have to go through all of this. And how in the world is someone here one minute and not the next? I witnessed her death and still am amazed and perplexed by the whole event. When I picked up that glass and spoon from the box, it was if she was right there.

It feels so wrong to be selling or packing up things. Like she will come back any minute and say, what in the world are you doing? Now, of course I know better. And really, mom is saying, "honey, get rid of that stuff! I need it no more and neither do you!"

And then I ask God, why in the world did you take Terri? We should be dividing mom's things between us and we should be going through this together! I need her shoulder to lean on, her body to hold and hug, her laughs to ease the pain and her beautiful smile bringing one to mine. Oh my precious Terri! Oh, how my soul longs for you! How empty my life still is without you!

My inner core is stamped with all of their love and to not have them in my life still has me physically aching to where I simply can't catch my breath.

Okay - so I've been truthful. This all stinks and I hate how my life has turned out. If knew this road was the one I would have to be on, I would have turned and ran the other way. I would never have been brave enough to willingly go through this. God chose me to live through this - not them - but me. Why oh why? Because HE HAS PLANS FOR ME AND HE WILL MAKE A WAY! Oh, how He does love me and is right by my side!!!!! Reminder to us all that this WAY is not always easy, but God promises beautiful views, blessings, and gifts along the way. And He promises us He will not leave our side.

Thank you God for your promises and for your hope of eternal life in you where we will experience pain no more - only joys upon joys. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Thank you Sweet Jesus.

toni

Happy 14th Anniversary

Well, hard to believe it's been 14 years! We actually starting dating 4 years before we got married, so altogether that's 18 years! It doesn't seem like we should be that old - but I think the beginning of our gray hairs and expanding waistlines has proved it.....anywhoo.....



I certainly cannot imagine my life without Jay and what a marriage we have had. We have truly experienced the good, the bad and the ugly. I am so grateful for him in my life and I know there are so many chapters still left to be written to our book. What a novel we have.



I think Jay would agree that we are most thankful for the miracle gifts of Amber and Emma. They have taught us so much and have healed us in places that only children can do. They are their own persons, yet they are exacty replicas of us. God knew how desperately we would need them and not a day goes by that we don't forget that. We are so blessed.



Below are the lyrics to a song I discovered yesterday. I immediately thought of me and Jay and how we are truly starting over in a sense. Time to move on and embrace what God has for us. We just can't dwell on the past forever. It's part of who we are, but it isn't how the rest of our lives will be. That's the miracle of God's love. He always has better things in store - even for marriages and families.



I Won't Look Back by Need to Breathe



Love, love isn't always

Love, the way that we mean

Just like you are right now is all, all that I need



Let's start over, don't be afraid 'cause I won't keep track

Let's climb to the top

If you won't look down, I won't look back



Love, love isn't always

Love, the kind that you hold

I will be here waiting if you, you can let go.



Let's start over, don't be afraid 'cause I won't keep track

Let's climb to the top

If you won't look down, I won't look back



Jay - I love you sweetheart.

Forever yours,

Clips

Encourage One Another

Today I want to remind us to encourage one another. Encouragement. Is that something you feel like you get on a regular basis? Are you giving it on a regular basis?

Trust me when I tell you this is simply not done enough. We all need it so much, all the time, for all kinds of reasons, at any age and stage in life. I don't know why I need to express this today, but it was laid on my heart this morning as I took my walk. Encouragement goes a long, long, way and can do only nothing but good and can heal wounds, and motivate people to "push" on and not give up!

*You can do this!
*You are not alone. God is with you and so am I.
*I will help you through this.
*We can get through this together.
*You are strong and smart and God created you in His image, so trust in Him.
*God is with you and will walk through this with you.
*Don't give up! Be patient and know that God works in all things for those that love Him.
*This is a season if your life, and you will pull through.
*I am praying for you.
*You are doing a good job being as strong as you can, but let me help you where I can.
*Take heart and have faith. Our plans may not be God's plans, but He loves us and is working in our lives and it will work out.
*Let me take you out to lunch.
*Would you like a night off? I'll watch the kids for you.
*Why don't you come over and have dinner with us?

We all need to be loved on and encouraged. It's really as simple as that. Sometimes we don't want to interfere in people's lives, but that's just where God can work - right in each of our lives. Ask God where He can use you and who you can help, and you might just be surprised to find the encouragement you were looking for yourself.

1 Thessalonians 5:14
And we urge you brothers, warn those that are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

Proverbs 25:11
A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

This One's for You Gipper

Well, today marks the 3rd anniversary of my dad's passing. When Terri and mom passed away, I was numb, actually, and the impact of their deaths did not quite reach me as deep at first. But, when I heard about Dad - I was completely aware of myself and the news was all too sobering. Straight up, immediate, take your breath away - NOOOOOOO! Mom was so gentle when she called and told me. She made sure Jay was with me before she would even say why she was calling.

I had been crying earlier that day and couldn't figure out why. Later, I discovered I had been crying at exactly the same moment my dad passed. Amazing how our spirits are more intertwined than we realize. My dad was at a point in his life where things seemed to be fitting together and he seemed very happy the last time I spoke with him just the week before. I had been looking forward to seeing him in a couple of weeks. I felt so guilty wishing I had called him the night before he passed. I almost did and got busy with the kids instead. Still regret not calling him to this day.

My dad always made me laugh. He was so funny and so well liked by everyone. He had a beautiful singing voice and I have many precious memories of him playing the guitar and singing. He was witty and intelligent, always thinking way outside of the box. He wrote stories and songs and even believed there had to be a real bigfoot or aliens out there somewhere. He had so much potential not even yet reached.

He used to share his peanut butter and honey sandwich and milk to drink with me when I was little while we watched the Dukes of Hazard on a Friday night. Just me and my dad. Then, of course, as Terri got older she joined us. Although Terri was much funnier than me and she and Dad always seemed like they shared some hillarious, inside joke that only they knew. We all loved Farside comics and the three of us would laugh for hours sharing Farside stories.

I never got as close to my dad as I wanted to. He always said that he didn't think I needed him because I already had it altogether and I had the Lord and Jay and that was enough. How silly, I said, all big girls are just little girls at heart and we still need our dads.

My dad came through for me last year in a surprising way. And boy did he come to check on me! He visited me in a dream just 3 nights before my mom passed away. I had not dreamed about him since he had passed away the two years before. I met him on the sidewalk in front of my house and I got to hug him - and it was a real hug! I was so excited to see him and he was just as excited to see me. I instantly started crying and saying, Dad! He said that I looked so sad. I told him it was because mom was about to die (even at that point, though, I had no idea mom would be dying in several days). He told me he knew that and it would all be okay - that he was here for me and so was God. That he loved me and would always be with me. At that point, we simply walked into my house and enjoyed our brief reunion.

The full impact of that dream did not hit me until a few days after mom died. I had the opportunity to tell her of it the day after I dreamed it. Looking back now, she seemed so at peace when I told her of it.

Friends, some things in life we just simply have no control over. And even though times can be really bleak and unfair, remember, that God knows we are hurting and He will find a way to love on us and protect us in the middle of it. I don't believe my dream was an accident. I completely, with my whole heart, believe God let me see my dad and have him deliver that message. You won't believe how special and strong I felt knowing that my dad and I had that time together and that dream carried me over the course of the next several days of mom's funeral and beyond. I haven't dreamed of him since then. Perhaps God will let me visit with him another time. I miss him so much.

Sometimes I feel like my family just got their ticket to the party before I did. They are all there wondering were we all are. I'm not gonna lie. I don't like they all get to be together in complete peace and with each other while I am left to endure the absence and the grief left in their wake. But I will tell you this. I will see them again and I must choose to believe that every day that I wake up.

Well - Dad, Deddy, Gipper, Granddaddy, Son, Bud - We all miss you and salute the wonderful man that you were and continue to be in our hearts and memories. Thanks for being my dad. Your spirit is with me even still. And the memory of your smile and laughter will never fade from me.

love always,
tot of the lot