Finding my way to making a way...

Okay, so I haven't really posted much in a while on this blog. Mainly because I just haven't been inspired enough to do so. Every time I think I'm ready, I sign in and then try and type something but it just won't come out. My fingers sit still and empty on the keyboard. Do you know how frustrating that is for me? It's like not having anything to say, which if you know me, well, then you would know how that really drives me nuts.

I'm going to be honest, something I don't like to always do. I'm struggling. I just am. Sometimes I don't like to think about how hard my life is because, really, nobody wants to hear about it. That's the truth. And also because I'm trying to stay positive and keep my head up above trusting in God. But, try telling that to my heart. That's a whole different story.

I don't like to admit that I'm Toni with a broken heart. But that is who I am. That is my story. And I do feel all alone most of the time. In fact, I've never felt lonelier in my entire life. There, I said it. Some days I feel just as lost as I did at the beginning four yeas ago right when the deaths began. The devil likes to suck me back in to the same place emotionally, as if I haven't grown at all. It's very hard to pull out of that. He's nastily clever like that, and I hate it.

I think one of the hardest parts about my life is that I haven't exactly found the "way in the desert" like I wanted and the "streams in the wasteland" are not quite what I expected them to be. And that has made me feel like a failure, like something is wrong with me. There's that clever devil again. Ooohh, I hate how he does that to me. Ever felt that way?

I am approaching the death anniversaries and I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings at all. I don't think I can anymore, to be honest. But, at the same time I am desperate to find my "streams" and I know the TRUTH - that only He, God Himself, can provide that for me and HE WILL. I will cling to His promises and His truths and His peace because He is who He said He is.

So, will things ever be the same again? No they are not!!!!!! But He is a God of renewal and He will allow good to come out of my sadness because He promises us in His Word that He will. So, the only thing that is guaranteed to stay the same is HIM - and that will be enough for me.

Can you pray for me as I approach the four year anniversary of my dad and sister passing and the two year anniversary of my mom passing? Can you pray for me as I'm on my way to His making a way for me?

love,
toni