She died, but He lives

It's that day again. Except this time it's been five years. I remember thinking the night she died, if in five years it will still hurt so bad. Well, yes and no. She died, but He lives.

I've walked throught he valley of the shadow of death more times than I care to remember. Sometimes it happens all at once, like in the early years and sometimes I turn a corner and don't even realize that I'm stepping into that dark shadow. I dislike those times the most because you don't see it coming. Those times are fewer and farther between, though, and I'm grateful for that.

I really don't want to sound dramatic, but remembering her is a fine balancing act. One must do so carefully. To remember, but not camp out there in that dark place. And when you remember, there are no guarantees that you can run back out of the dark quickly. For me, to remember with just good memories isn't as easy as it sounds. I have a whole flood of family memories because her death is really all tied up with my dad, my mom and my other sister's death. And then that's where it gets overwhelming. They died, but He lives.

Today is the first time I woke up on September 29th and saw a beautiful, blue eyed, crazy haired sweetie looking in my eyes. Hope all warm and soft and sweet. Promises from Him are clearly evidenced today. So, that's what I cling to the most. I believe who He says He is. I believe in His promises. And I believe they are with Him and one day we will all be together.

He is the only one who can fix the broken hearted. She died, but He lives.

He is the only one who truly understands what I feel. She died, but He lives.

He is the Almighty King and He has His hand on my life. She died, but He lives.

Moving forward, we are. I see His healing hand in her friends and our family. I see hope and new life and I am beyond grateful for His love to all of us in our darkest moments. This morning I asked my husband if he had any parting words of encouragement for me today. And he said that I have come a long way and that Terri would be proud.

Indeed she would, we have all come a long way. Because He lives, she now also lives with Him...and the best is yet to come.

My little stream in the wasteland...

Wow, so I haven't blogged an entry since last September. Wow. I've tried so many times to sit down and write an entry and it just wouldn't happen. Words and thoughts so deep and so many that it's been nearly impossible to write them down. Seriously.

I've found that I have been so in awe of God's power and mercies and gifts that to try and capture how I feel about them would be ridiculous. There are not enough words in the english language to even remotely capture how amazing God's goodness is to me.

Um, yeah, you heard me right - me, Toni, the one who has more words come out of my mouth than any human should have. Yeah, I have still been speechless these last 38 weeks...hmm, that's proabably a good thing...especially for my husband...by I digress...

We were told we had a less than 2% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own. So, after many years of trying to conceive, our precious Amber and Emma were born via IVF after two previous failed IVF attempts...and they were frozen embryos at that! Making their dramatic entrance two months premature and almost losing Amber the first week she was born, we were ectastic to finally bring them home from the hospital and begin our dream of being parents at last.

After losing my dad and sister to heart attacks and my mom to cancer, we couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to bring a new life into our family. A fresh start, a new life. Sounds easy, right? Nope! After almost four years of trying on our own, we finally accepted that being parents again to a new life was not what God wanted. For me, it took a while to honestly obey God and accept that if that wasn't what He wanted for us, than I could accept it and asked Him to show me what He wanted me to be and do with the rest of my life. What journey did He want me to continue on for Him.

I felt relieved that I had come to this place of peace and acceptance and was excited to see where our lives where going. Well, within a couple of weeks, we found out that we were moving back "home" and would be beginning a new ministry opportunity in the very town that I grew up in. And by the next month, we learned of something so miraculous and a dream so far-reaching that only the God of the universe could have allowed it...we were pregnant!

After the initial shock wore off (which still hasn't entirely happened), I began to realize that because of my obedience to God in accepting that my dream for me would not happen and that God had other, even more amazing dreams for me, that He rewarded us with exactly what we wanted. That's how He works, friends. He delights in lavishing love and gifts on us out of our trust and faith in Him. He always gets the glory in the end...always.

So, here I sit. Thirty eight weeks pregnant, ready to deliver our precious third daugher, Audrey Christina Gulbin. She is named after my sister and grandmother.

Exactly three years ago from right now, I was sitting with my mother while she lived with us under hospice care and participating in her final days on earth. It was a hard time, but a special time as well. Oh how far God has brought me that three years later, I get to experience new life and a new chapter in my book. To say I feel blessed is an understatement.

Turns out one of my streams in the wasteland will be about 8 pounds of sugar and I'm pretty sure that my world is about to go from black and white to bursts of vivid color...all because God loves me and has a plan for me...and because He promised He would make a way for me...

If you are in a place of waiting and wondering, don't lose faith! Read His word, talk to Him, obey Him and follow Him. His dream for you is so much bigger than you could ever dream for yourself! He is working in you while you wait. He is molding and shaping you into exactly what He wants you to be. He will make a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland along the way. His promises are true!