Well, don't let my life be an illusion as to how "easy" this road is. Just when you think you "can do this" - lo and behold the reality can come and slap the bejeebas out of your face. I know my posts sound just downright peachy, but I feel I must post even when life feels like crap!
We are in the process of cleaning out our garage and the storage unit (where most of the rest of my mom's belongings are) so we can get ready for a garage sale next weekend. Most of the day yesterday I readily threw things away or eagerly put them in the garage sale pile without even feeling the least bit sad. And I was feeling downright proud of myself, until......I went back to the storage unit by myself and after 20 minutes I was okay until.....I looked in one last box. It held a variety of odd items. I found something wrapped in paper and realized it was a drinking glass and a long handle spoon right next to it. I immediately recognized what it was and why I put it there. When moving things out of mom's apartment last year, the last thing I brought myself to finally pack up were the last few random things on her kitchen counter. Mainly because it still felt like her home and she was there if the kitchen looked "normal" with dishes in the dryboard of the sink. Mom loved eating ice out of a glass - hence the long handled spoon. That was the last dish she used and washed and left to dry in her sink before she came to live with me and start hospice. That silly glass brought stinging tears to my eyes and an immediate guteral anger at God for making me have to go through all of this. And how in the world is someone here one minute and not the next? I witnessed her death and still am amazed and perplexed by the whole event. When I picked up that glass and spoon from the box, it was if she was right there.
It feels so wrong to be selling or packing up things. Like she will come back any minute and say, what in the world are you doing? Now, of course I know better. And really, mom is saying, "honey, get rid of that stuff! I need it no more and neither do you!"
And then I ask God, why in the world did you take Terri? We should be dividing mom's things between us and we should be going through this together! I need her shoulder to lean on, her body to hold and hug, her laughs to ease the pain and her beautiful smile bringing one to mine. Oh my precious Terri! Oh, how my soul longs for you! How empty my life still is without you!
My inner core is stamped with all of their love and to not have them in my life still has me physically aching to where I simply can't catch my breath.
Okay - so I've been truthful. This all stinks and I hate how my life has turned out. If knew this road was the one I would have to be on, I would have turned and ran the other way. I would never have been brave enough to willingly go through this. God chose me to live through this - not them - but me. Why oh why? Because HE HAS PLANS FOR ME AND HE WILL MAKE A WAY! Oh, how He does love me and is right by my side!!!!! Reminder to us all that this WAY is not always easy, but God promises beautiful views, blessings, and gifts along the way. And He promises us He will not leave our side.
Thank you God for your promises and for your hope of eternal life in you where we will experience pain no more - only joys upon joys. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Thank you Sweet Jesus.
toni
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Isn't it good of God to not let us in on all that will happen during our lives? Though I haven't experienced the heartache that you have, I understand the feeling of "If I had known I would have gone the other way!" I'm proud of you for pushing through the de-cluttering process. It can be hard to let go of the things that represent someone to us. Love you!
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