Finding my way to making a way...

Okay, so I haven't really posted much in a while on this blog. Mainly because I just haven't been inspired enough to do so. Every time I think I'm ready, I sign in and then try and type something but it just won't come out. My fingers sit still and empty on the keyboard. Do you know how frustrating that is for me? It's like not having anything to say, which if you know me, well, then you would know how that really drives me nuts.

I'm going to be honest, something I don't like to always do. I'm struggling. I just am. Sometimes I don't like to think about how hard my life is because, really, nobody wants to hear about it. That's the truth. And also because I'm trying to stay positive and keep my head up above trusting in God. But, try telling that to my heart. That's a whole different story.

I don't like to admit that I'm Toni with a broken heart. But that is who I am. That is my story. And I do feel all alone most of the time. In fact, I've never felt lonelier in my entire life. There, I said it. Some days I feel just as lost as I did at the beginning four yeas ago right when the deaths began. The devil likes to suck me back in to the same place emotionally, as if I haven't grown at all. It's very hard to pull out of that. He's nastily clever like that, and I hate it.

I think one of the hardest parts about my life is that I haven't exactly found the "way in the desert" like I wanted and the "streams in the wasteland" are not quite what I expected them to be. And that has made me feel like a failure, like something is wrong with me. There's that clever devil again. Ooohh, I hate how he does that to me. Ever felt that way?

I am approaching the death anniversaries and I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings at all. I don't think I can anymore, to be honest. But, at the same time I am desperate to find my "streams" and I know the TRUTH - that only He, God Himself, can provide that for me and HE WILL. I will cling to His promises and His truths and His peace because He is who He said He is.

So, will things ever be the same again? No they are not!!!!!! But He is a God of renewal and He will allow good to come out of my sadness because He promises us in His Word that He will. So, the only thing that is guaranteed to stay the same is HIM - and that will be enough for me.

Can you pray for me as I approach the four year anniversary of my dad and sister passing and the two year anniversary of my mom passing? Can you pray for me as I'm on my way to His making a way for me?

love,
toni

Savoring What You Have

Epiphany thought of the day:

Here is my precious cargo.

They just left for Vacation Bible School. Together. All three healthy, happy and smiling. More precious than silver or gold. All three a gift directly from God above. I am blessed even for this single moment in time. Waving good-bye to my sweet, precious threesome of life itself. They pulled out of the driveway just now and I closed my eyes trying to duplicate the very last image of them smiling and waving and shouting, "I love you mom"!

By God's choosing and will, they will return to me. Unharmed and still smiling with loud, contagious laughter and more hugs than there are stars in the sky. And I will then have the chance of one more day to be loved enough by God to experience this amazing journey of life on earth with these three precious creatures.

Morbid? Maybe. Realistic? Yes. God tells us to count our blessings and thank Him for only GOOD things come from Him. But, sometimes in life, in this imperfect earthly life as we know it, there are imperfect situations. Ones in which God knows will happen and yet He allows it to happen. Why? We will probably never know. It's not really for us to know if you want to go deep and explore it. This life is imperfect at best and we are to be thankful when the GOOD times are the GOOD times and when the bad times come, well as hard as it is to say, we are to still be thankful - that God will walk us through it. He never promises a life without pain or imperfection, but He does promise a perfect eternal life with Him in Heaven - like forever. No more tears. No more sadness. Just absolute perfect bliss.

I say all this to say some families have to experience the unthinkable. And believe me, I know this. Read about this family here. http://www.wsbtv.com/news/19843595/detail.html

Pray for them. Think about them. And remember today how blessed you really are for even just today. You never know when today is your last. I've said it before and I'll say it a million times if I have to. It is so important you understand this as best you can. Be grateful for today and mean it.

Savor what you have and give thanks to the only One who should get credit - God our Heavenly Father above.

While I'm Waiting by John Waller

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XazqArchgR8

This is where I am right now...

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is
You want from meI give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Lent is here...

Never in my 34 years have I ever been concerned with Lent. I grew up baptist and they just don't celebrate Lent. I marvel at the entire concept and this year more than ever, I am just so hungry for these 40 days. Seriously - like starving - for this process.



Father God, I humbly come before you and ask you to "show up" in a big way in my life and in my home. I need you and I truly desire to come to know you intimately. I am constantly amazed in my life how you "show up" time and time again in ways that allow me to grow and change and heal. I know you are always with me, but the "show up" times are times when I say, "Hello God - you're here - you really are here". I ask that in these 40 days you give me the signs to stop and find you. I need clarification on some things, God, and I need you to light them up with neon signs this time so I don't miss them. Prepare my heart in such a way that I hear you very clearly. Jay and I need your direction and wisdom and need to follow you desperately, no matter what the scenery of life make look like. I pray that your neon signs will light our way. I pray for peace like I've never experienced before. You know my hurts and you know just what triggers them, so I pray for protection of my heart and soul. I pray that you would manifest yourself right in front of Amber and Emma and that they may see you for themselves and know that it's you. They are already asking of you, Lord, and they so want to hear from you. That yearning that you place in us is really present in them and they are seeking Lord. Just like the rest of us. We are all seeking and may we be like the little children and come unto you. Always seeking and asking, always looking for love and acceptance, and always finding it with you. And trusting your answer "just because you said so". Annoint me Father and my entire household. We know you hold our hands and help us to walk with you these next 40 days.

Amen

RIP Lubby

You sweet, sweet dog - for fourteen long years. I can't believe your gone. I miss you chupsters. Mommy loves Lubby...

Lubby is gone...

Lubby just passed away a few mintues ago. Jay and I were with him as he took his last breaths. He was laying on his favorite blanket here in the living room and he didn't suffer. Oh my, too many words and not knowing what to say. Just pray for us as we have to tell the girls when they get home and take him to Grammy's backyard for a burial. Will post more later. It's going to be a long day and I'm already tired...