He heals the broken hearted and today I choose joy

Six years ago today, Terri's heart broke and could not be fixed here on this earth and our hearts broke and we desperately held on to His hope that ours might be fixed one day. She is Home. We are here. This is not our home. I don't ask why anymore. I don't need to. He has healed the part of me that demands to know why. I don't ache anymore. I don't need to. He has healed the part of me that aches endlessly. I don't cry anymore. I don't need to. He has healed me.

Psalm 147:3

"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds."

It has taken quite some time, but I never ceased in asking for healing. And I will continue to ask for healing in my life when needed. He promises to heal us. It is possible friends. I am living proof of that. I have learned to let go of some very deep things that I have no control of, nor should I. His ways are not our ways. Period. He understands the difficult journey, and He works good out of what the devil wants to harm us. I am in the process of trusting and waiting and watching to see what amazing things He has in store for me.

I am on the journey. I am not home yet. There are things to do, people to see, places to go, lives to touch, lessons to be learned all to glorify Him. Today, I choose joy. He has turned my mourning into dancing and my night into day. Would I rather have Terri here to journey with? You bet. I miss her more than I ever did and wonder endlessly how much fun we could be having and how our lives would have turned out even six years later. But, she's not here. Her earthly journey is complete. So, I honor her. I journey on in a manner befitting my sweet, way taller than me, baby sister. Her gorgeous red hair flowing, smile ever widening, laughter always spreading joy.

I pray the same for all those affected by her abscence. Today is a gorgeous, fall day. Just like her. Wouldn't you agree?

I'll close with the saying I read at her funeral. It was engraved on a picture frame that I gave her a couple of years before she passed away.

Sister, you are close to my heart.
So many dreams we've shared, all the laughter and love.
You tell me your secrets, I tell you mine.
A lover of life, kind and true.
Beautiful sister, your spirit is strong.
We'll always be together in our dreams.
Our hearts will stay side by side forever.

I love you sweet sister of mine.
toni

Sending you my love Dad

Son, brother, friend, uncle, nephew, cousin, youth pastor, choir director, roofer, repairer, security guard, artist, writer, husband, father, dad, Deddy, Grande, Granddaddy, the Gipper...to all of us you were these names and more and yet your love, laughter, soothing singing voice and beautiful, sweet smile were all one in the same. It's been six years today since you have gone from here to There. Heaven's choirs are all the more sweeter with your voice today. Miss you more than ever. Sending you love and hugs!!! Love, tot

In which I brag about my Mom

Four years ago today, my Mom made her journey from here to There. She lived with us the last three months of her life. I immediately offered for her to stay with us. Not just for her, but selfishly, for me. I needed every last second that I could soak up with her. And I did. And I saw death as I've seen birth. It really is quite a beautiful, inspiring miracle kind of thing. Instead of taking a first breath, it's taking a last breath. I didn't know it was happening until 30 minutes before. I was swept up into the serenity of it all. Just she and I, and whomever she "motioned" to come in the room with us. She waved good-bye to me. It was peaceful and felt like forever, only it wasn't. But for her, she entered into her Forever. Sacred. Peaceful. Holy. He was there.

So, this leads me to simply wanting to brag on my Mom today as I reflect on her. Even up until the end, she was funny, giggly, sweet, offering endless hugs...the kind where I asked if I just keep holding on, and she would let me...sometimes for a long time. Good moms just never run out of love like that. I was so proud of her even then. Her journey had so many ups and downs, who could keep count? Looking back now, I see so much of it so differently than my view of it growing up. But, mainly I see Faith and Laughter.

My Mom was fearless, for the most part anyway. In most things, she didn't care what anybody thought. And she loved what she loved. That would include:

* Her bible - she slept with it every night, without fail.

* Her prayer lists and prayer journals - always with specific names and needs and always prayed over.

* Her love of anything Christmas! There was not a surface undecorated for the holidays (any holiday, actually). You cannot imagine how magical our house was at Christmas. She made everything so special and sparkly. I felt like I lived at the North Pole and with Santa and his elves. Lights everywhere, more nativity scenes than you can imgaine, candy and baking galore and letting us open one present each day before Christmas, just because. Terri and I each had our own decorated Christmas tree in our bedroom. Yep, it was that awesome! So many amazing traditions and memories - lots of which we implement with our girls.

* Her green thumb - ya'll - she could grown anything, anywhere and it was always gorgeous! Even living in an apartment, she had her very own flower garden that was everywhere. She always had fresh cuttings of brilliant blooms in sweet little vases all over the house.

* Her silliness - she liked to surprise us with silly nonsense alot - watch out if it was April Fool's - she always managed to fool us and loved every minute of it.

* Her love for her grandchildren - she adored all four - Dylan, Amber, Emma and Molly. She loved to spend magical weekends with Dylan baking, cooking, reading, watch movies and snuggling. As her health made it harder for her to do this, she learned to mail cards and notes to the girls and do what she knew best - pray for them - all of them. She never stopped praying for them - ever. She loved getting all three girls in her lap and read to them. The sadness of losing Sherri and Terri seemed to melt temporarily when these girls crawled into her lap. It was special to see. She was so proud of them.

* Her feistiness - she could get riled up from time to time. It was quite a sight to see...hmmm, I wonder where I've seen that before?

* Her talent for sewing - she made every Easter dress we ever wore all the way through highschool. She let us pick out the pattern and material and then she worked her magic. Because of this, Easter was always extra special. We felt so pretty.

* Her love for her siblings - there was such a bond between her four sisters and two brothers. It's really hard to describe. I've never seen her happier then when she was with them. Her heart belonged to everyone of them.

* Her gift of encouragement - she always knew how to lift someone up. She prayed, mailed encouraging notes and said such kind things to them. She was often known to show up in hospital waiting rooms unannounced. Many times people never even knew she was there. She didn't want to get in the way, but wanted to be close by to pray for them. That was always so touching to me.

* Her pride in her girls - she always told us how beautiful, intelligent and brave we were, in everything that we did. Even at an early age in elementary school, she would let us know how proud of us she was. I miss this the most about her - her encouragement specifically for me. She knew me so well. We were way too much alike!

* Her gift of forgiveness - she had to do this so many times in her life with so many different people and situations. It was an example to me of how to live. It wasn't always easy, and she would candidly talk about that part, too, but nonetheless, still talked about why it was important.

* Her honesty about living her faith-filled life - not always easy to do, and she would share some of those struggles with me. Again, great examples of how it's okay to be frustrated, mad and hurt, but then give it all to Him.

* Her love of thrifty shopping - she found some of the most beautiful and neat things all for a fraction of their real cost. She made her weekly rounds to TJ Maxx, Ross and Marshalls. This cracked me up!

* Her love of singing - she never gave herself enough credit for her pretty voice. I grew up hearing her sing hymns all the time, everywhere. And I catch myself doing it all the time! I love that I got that from her. It's a sweet thing to praise the Lord no matter where you are.

* Her love for icecream and anything sweet and yummy - many a memory have been made eating icecream and cookies, just because.

Thank you Mom for all you ever did for me. I won't be sad today. I'm willing myself not to. Oh, sure, I could really benefit from you here, but it's not about me. You are celebrating and singing and praising God on His throne. And celebrating with your Sherri and Terri and so many other special people. You would probablly never believe you left such a touching legacy, but you have! And I am proud to call you Mom.

PS - I love you more!
.

She died, but He lives

It's that day again. Except this time it's been five years. I remember thinking the night she died, if in five years it will still hurt so bad. Well, yes and no. She died, but He lives.

I've walked throught he valley of the shadow of death more times than I care to remember. Sometimes it happens all at once, like in the early years and sometimes I turn a corner and don't even realize that I'm stepping into that dark shadow. I dislike those times the most because you don't see it coming. Those times are fewer and farther between, though, and I'm grateful for that.

I really don't want to sound dramatic, but remembering her is a fine balancing act. One must do so carefully. To remember, but not camp out there in that dark place. And when you remember, there are no guarantees that you can run back out of the dark quickly. For me, to remember with just good memories isn't as easy as it sounds. I have a whole flood of family memories because her death is really all tied up with my dad, my mom and my other sister's death. And then that's where it gets overwhelming. They died, but He lives.

Today is the first time I woke up on September 29th and saw a beautiful, blue eyed, crazy haired sweetie looking in my eyes. Hope all warm and soft and sweet. Promises from Him are clearly evidenced today. So, that's what I cling to the most. I believe who He says He is. I believe in His promises. And I believe they are with Him and one day we will all be together.

He is the only one who can fix the broken hearted. She died, but He lives.

He is the only one who truly understands what I feel. She died, but He lives.

He is the Almighty King and He has His hand on my life. She died, but He lives.

Moving forward, we are. I see His healing hand in her friends and our family. I see hope and new life and I am beyond grateful for His love to all of us in our darkest moments. This morning I asked my husband if he had any parting words of encouragement for me today. And he said that I have come a long way and that Terri would be proud.

Indeed she would, we have all come a long way. Because He lives, she now also lives with Him...and the best is yet to come.

My little stream in the wasteland...

Wow, so I haven't blogged an entry since last September. Wow. I've tried so many times to sit down and write an entry and it just wouldn't happen. Words and thoughts so deep and so many that it's been nearly impossible to write them down. Seriously.

I've found that I have been so in awe of God's power and mercies and gifts that to try and capture how I feel about them would be ridiculous. There are not enough words in the english language to even remotely capture how amazing God's goodness is to me.

Um, yeah, you heard me right - me, Toni, the one who has more words come out of my mouth than any human should have. Yeah, I have still been speechless these last 38 weeks...hmm, that's proabably a good thing...especially for my husband...by I digress...

We were told we had a less than 2% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own. So, after many years of trying to conceive, our precious Amber and Emma were born via IVF after two previous failed IVF attempts...and they were frozen embryos at that! Making their dramatic entrance two months premature and almost losing Amber the first week she was born, we were ectastic to finally bring them home from the hospital and begin our dream of being parents at last.

After losing my dad and sister to heart attacks and my mom to cancer, we couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to bring a new life into our family. A fresh start, a new life. Sounds easy, right? Nope! After almost four years of trying on our own, we finally accepted that being parents again to a new life was not what God wanted. For me, it took a while to honestly obey God and accept that if that wasn't what He wanted for us, than I could accept it and asked Him to show me what He wanted me to be and do with the rest of my life. What journey did He want me to continue on for Him.

I felt relieved that I had come to this place of peace and acceptance and was excited to see where our lives where going. Well, within a couple of weeks, we found out that we were moving back "home" and would be beginning a new ministry opportunity in the very town that I grew up in. And by the next month, we learned of something so miraculous and a dream so far-reaching that only the God of the universe could have allowed it...we were pregnant!

After the initial shock wore off (which still hasn't entirely happened), I began to realize that because of my obedience to God in accepting that my dream for me would not happen and that God had other, even more amazing dreams for me, that He rewarded us with exactly what we wanted. That's how He works, friends. He delights in lavishing love and gifts on us out of our trust and faith in Him. He always gets the glory in the end...always.

So, here I sit. Thirty eight weeks pregnant, ready to deliver our precious third daugher, Audrey Christina Gulbin. She is named after my sister and grandmother.

Exactly three years ago from right now, I was sitting with my mother while she lived with us under hospice care and participating in her final days on earth. It was a hard time, but a special time as well. Oh how far God has brought me that three years later, I get to experience new life and a new chapter in my book. To say I feel blessed is an understatement.

Turns out one of my streams in the wasteland will be about 8 pounds of sugar and I'm pretty sure that my world is about to go from black and white to bursts of vivid color...all because God loves me and has a plan for me...and because He promised He would make a way for me...

If you are in a place of waiting and wondering, don't lose faith! Read His word, talk to Him, obey Him and follow Him. His dream for you is so much bigger than you could ever dream for yourself! He is working in you while you wait. He is molding and shaping you into exactly what He wants you to be. He will make a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland along the way. His promises are true!

Good revelations...

Since I always post about hard/sad things - how about a good post for a change? Sounds like fun to me!

God has really been speaking to me lately - I mean really speaking to me. Mainly through scripture. I just can't seem to read enough of it. I've also been reading a lot of books about scriptures and people in the bible and the lessons we can learn from them. Great stuff!

A couple of scriptures really spoke to me today:

Isaiah 25:1
Oh Lord, I will honor and praise your name, for you are my God. You do such wonderful things! You planned them long ago, and now you have accomplished them.

Isaiah 25:4
But you are a tower of refuge to the poor, O Lord, a tower of refuge to the needy in distress. You are a refuge from the storm and a shelter from the heat.

Isaiah 26:3-4
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.

God has been teaching me so much lately that it's just too hard to put in words. Besides, I feel like they are words meant only for me for right now, and I like that it's just me and God sharing such special things.

So, it's been a good day all the way around in many areas of my life and I am so grateful for that!

Praise God!
toni

God is in the little things...

Below is an entry from my journal three years ago today. Hard to believe she has been gone four years now. If you ever doubt that God is in the little things...then keep on reading. He knows us. He loves us and He looks out for us - even in the details of our sorrows.

Tonight I'm thinking of my Good Little One. That's what I used to call Terri when we were growing up. My Good Little Sister, Terri. Tonight, Sis, I'm thinking of you and only you.

One year ago today was the last time I saw you - ever. Even though it is mine and Jay's wedding anniversary, you and I together went to Great Gran's house to collect Dad's things. Remember we went to eat with Miss K, Aunt Sheila and Aunt Patty at the Tea Room? You and I shared the most delicious dessert of raspberries, blueberries and strawberries on pound cake with lots of whipped cream. That was sooo good. We laughed our way through eating it because we did it so fast. It was very yummy. I remember the way you smiled at me sitting next to me as we ate that dessert.

I remember trying to find a gas pump open and laughing at all the crazy drivers trying to fight for the first one open.

I remember us going to the cemetary to visit Dad - just you and I. And saying, "Hey Deddy, we're here". You thought that was funny the way I just talked to him, and yet that's how I talk to you now. I told him he could visit us in the way of a butterfly or something so we would know he was there. And by george, at that precise moment, a butterfly fluttered and danced around the two of us for about 5 minutes. We stood there staring at each other in disbelief. What a memory. Do you know that the very next time I went to visit Dad at the cemetary after you were gone, that two butterlies fluttered around me. I was sure and still am, that that was you and Dad.

I remember us leaving Cartersville that day and stopping at the gas station for a "pit stop", as Dad used to call them. You insisted on buying me a coke and a small bag of white cheddar cheez-its. I told you that I could get it and you said, "Toe, I think I can swing a bag of cheez-its and a coke". We laughed so hard. That was the best day spending with you even though it was a sad one. We joked and reminisced all the way home. I still have that empty bag of cheez-its. I decided to keep it even before you passed away.

I remember telling you goodbye and that I loved you as I pulled out of your driveway. My last memory of you is you holding Molly standing at your garage waving and telling me you loved me. Your beautiful red hair and sweet smile staring back at me.

You were gone two weeks later. God, I miss you. Why did He take you? I want you back even now. I've never stopped loving or missing you. The void is deep and dark and goes on forever. You, my love, will never be replaced. There will never be another Miss Tree. Your heart physically broke, and my heart emotionally broke. I miss you with an intensity that goes on forever.

Do you know I think of you all the time? I wish I had said certain things differently and done things differently. I'm sorry if I hurt you or was disrespectful at times. I guess it's just a sister thing. Forgive me for ever hurting you.

God is healing, though. Peace is slowly settling in. The grieving goes on, but hope is drifting in through the pain. You would want us to be happy and to trust in God. Those were your last words to me, "Don't worry, Toe. It's all going to work out and be okay".

I know you are with me. I feel you all the time. Thank you for loving me still. Help me with God to move on without feeling guilty while honoring you and your life all the while. I'll never forget you. NEVER.

My love to you tonight. God be with me and heal my heart.
I love you sis.
Toni

Here's where the detail comes in: I wanted Jay to come with us on that trip to get my dad's things. He insisted that I was to go alone with Terri. I was furious with him and all week before we left, I kept begging him to go with us. It was our 12 year anniversary after all, and I needed him to be with me emotionally, to help me bear the burden of it all. I didn't want to take that trip without him. He repeatedly insisted that he didn't feel he was supposed to go and that it was a time for just me and Terri to spend together. How stupid, I thought. There would be plenty of time to spend together...

I was actually extremely frustrated and very angry that he refused to go. I just couldn't understand it and neither could he. It was just a feeling he had and he wasn't budging on it.

It turned out that my time with Terri that day turned out to be the last time I ever saw her. A couple of weeks after she passed, both Jay and I began to realize the details of God's love in regards to that day of our anniversary. He placed a feeling in Jay's heart that it was not his place to go, that it was to be a special time for just me and Terri. I cried so hard when I realized God's love for me even before tragedy hit us. I would not trade that day with her for a million dollars, and all because my husband received a hunch from the Holy Spirit what not to do.

That, my friends, is how God is in the details of our life. How many things have we overlooked that He alone should get praise for?

Happy 15 year anniversary, sweetheart. Thank you for following your heart and His spirit. I am forever endowed to you for it.

I love you, Terri - I'm also thinking of you today and loving you still!!!!!