Making A Way

He heals the broken hearted and today I choose joy

2011-09-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

Six years ago today, Terri's heart broke and could not be fixed here on this earth and our hearts broke and we desperately held on to His hope that ours might be fixed one day. She is Home. We are here. This is not our home. I don't ask why anymore. I don't need to. He has healed the part of me that demands to know why. I don't ache anymore. I don't need to. He has healed the part of me that aches endlessly. I don't cry anymore. I don't need to. He has healed me.

Psalm 147:3

"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds."

It has taken quite some time, but I never ceased in asking for healing. And I will continue to ask for healing in my life when needed. He promises to heal us. It is possible friends. I am living proof of that. I have learned to let go of some very deep things that I have no control of, nor should I. His ways are not our ways. Period. He understands the difficult journey, and He works good out of what the devil wants to harm us. I am in the process of trusting and waiting and watching to see what amazing things He has in store for me.

I am on the journey. I am not home yet. There are things to do, people to see, places to go, lives to touch, lessons to be learned all to glorify Him. Today, I choose joy. He has turned my mourning into dancing and my night into day. Would I rather have Terri here to journey with? You bet. I miss her more than I ever did and wonder endlessly how much fun we could be having and how our lives would have turned out even six years later. But, she's not here. Her earthly journey is complete. So, I honor her. I journey on in a manner befitting my sweet, way taller than me, baby sister. Her gorgeous red hair flowing, smile ever widening, laughter always spreading joy.

I pray the same for all those affected by her abscence. Today is a gorgeous, fall day. Just like her. Wouldn't you agree?

I'll close with the saying I read at her funeral. It was engraved on a picture frame that I gave her a couple of years before she passed away.

Sister, you are close to my heart.
So many dreams we've shared, all the laughter and love.
You tell me your secrets, I tell you mine.
A lover of life, kind and true.
Beautiful sister, your spirit is strong.
We'll always be together in our dreams.
Our hearts will stay side by side forever.

I love you sweet sister of mine.
toni

Sending you my love Dad

2011-09-01T07:14:00.000-07:00

Son, brother, friend, uncle, nephew, cousin, youth pastor, choir director, roofer, repairer, security guard, artist, writer, husband, father, dad, Deddy, Grande, Granddaddy, the Gipper...to all of us you were these names and more and yet your love, laughter, soothing singing voice and beautiful, sweet smile were all one in the same. It's been six years today since you have gone from here to There. Heaven's choirs are all the more sweeter with your voice today. Miss you more than ever. Sending you love and hugs!!! Love, tot

In which I brag about my Mom

2011-08-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

Four years ago today, my Mom made her journey from here to There. She lived with us the last three months of her life. I immediately offered for her to stay with us. Not just for her, but selfishly, for me. I needed every last second that I could soak up with her. And I did. And I saw death as I've seen birth. It really is quite a beautiful, inspiring miracle kind of thing. Instead of taking a first breath, it's taking a last breath. I didn't know it was happening until 30 minutes before. I was swept up into the serenity of it all. Just she and I, and whomever she "motioned" to come in the room with us. She waved good-bye to me. It was peaceful and felt like forever, only it wasn't. But for her, she entered into her Forever. Sacred. Peaceful. Holy. He was there.

So, this leads me to simply wanting to brag on my Mom today as I reflect on her. Even up until the end, she was funny, giggly, sweet, offering endless hugs...the kind where I asked if I just keep holding on, and she would let me...sometimes for a long time. Good moms just never run out of love like that. I was so proud of her even then. Her journey had so many ups and downs, who could keep count? Looking back now, I see so much of it so differently than my view of it growing up. But, mainly I see Faith and Laughter.

My Mom was fearless, for the most part anyway. In most things, she didn't care what anybody thought. And she loved what she loved. That would include:

* Her bible - she slept with it every night, without fail.

* Her prayer lists and prayer journals - always with specific names and needs and always prayed over.

* Her love of anything Christmas! There was not a surface undecorated for the holidays (any holiday, actually). You cannot imagine how magical our house was at Christmas. She made everything so special and sparkly. I felt like I lived at the North Pole and with Santa and his elves. Lights everywhere, more nativity scenes than you can imgaine, candy and baking galore and letting us open one present each day before Christmas, just because. Terri and I each had our own decorated Christmas tree in our bedroom. Yep, it was that awesome! So many amazing traditions and memories - lots of which we implement with our girls.

* Her green thumb - ya'll - she could grown anything, anywhere and it was always gorgeous! Even living in an apartment, she had her very own flower garden that was everywhere. She always had fresh cuttings of brilliant blooms in sweet little vases all over the house.

* Her silliness - she liked to surprise us with silly nonsense alot - watch out if it was April Fool's - she always managed to fool us and loved every minute of it.

* Her love for her grandchildren - she adored all four - Dylan, Amber, Emma and Molly. She loved to spend magical weekends with Dylan baking, cooking, reading, watch movies and snuggling. As her health made it harder for her to do this, she learned to mail cards and notes to the girls and do what she knew best - pray for them - all of them. She never stopped praying for them - ever. She loved getting all three girls in her lap and read to them. The sadness of losing Sherri and Terri seemed to melt temporarily when these girls crawled into her lap. It was special to see. She was so proud of them.

* Her feistiness - she could get riled up from time to time. It was quite a sight to see...hmmm, I wonder where I've seen that before?

* Her talent for sewing - she made every Easter dress we ever wore all the way through highschool. She let us pick out the pattern and material and then she worked her magic. Because of this, Easter was always extra special. We felt so pretty.

* Her love for her siblings - there was such a bond between her four sisters and two brothers. It's really hard to describe. I've never seen her happier then when she was with them. Her heart belonged to everyone of them.

* Her gift of encouragement - she always knew how to lift someone up. She prayed, mailed encouraging notes and said such kind things to them. She was often known to show up in hospital waiting rooms unannounced. Many times people never even knew she was there. She didn't want to get in the way, but wanted to be close by to pray for them. That was always so touching to me.

* Her pride in her girls - she always told us how beautiful, intelligent and brave we were, in everything that we did. Even at an early age in elementary school, she would let us know how proud of us she was. I miss this the most about her - her encouragement specifically for me. She knew me so well. We were way too much alike!

* Her gift of forgiveness - she had to do this so many times in her life with so many different people and situations. It was an example to me of how to live. It wasn't always easy, and she would candidly talk about that part, too, but nonetheless, still talked about why it was important.

* Her honesty about living her faith-filled life - not always easy to do, and she would share some of those struggles with me. Again, great examples of how it's okay to be frustrated, mad and hurt, but then give it all to Him.

* Her love of thrifty shopping - she found some of the most beautiful and neat things all for a fraction of their real cost. She made her weekly rounds to TJ Maxx, Ross and Marshalls. This cracked me up!

* Her love of singing - she never gave herself enough credit for her pretty voice. I grew up hearing her sing hymns all the time, everywhere. And I catch myself doing it all the time! I love that I got that from her. It's a sweet thing to praise the Lord no matter where you are.

* Her love for icecream and anything sweet and yummy - many a memory have been made eating icecream and cookies, just because.

Thank you Mom for all you ever did for me. I won't be sad today. I'm willing myself not to. Oh, sure, I could really benefit from you here, but it's not about me. You are celebrating and singing and praising God on His throne. And celebrating with your Sherri and Terri and so many other special people. You would probablly never believe you left such a touching legacy, but you have! And I am proud to call you Mom.

PS - I love you more!
.

She died, but He lives

2010-09-29T06:09:00.000-07:00

It's that day again. Except this time it's been five years. I remember thinking the night she died, if in five years it will still hurt so bad. Well, yes and no. She died, but He lives.

I've walked throught he valley of the shadow of death more times than I care to remember. Sometimes it happens all at once, like in the early years and sometimes I turn a corner and don't even realize that I'm stepping into that dark shadow. I dislike those times the most because you don't see it coming. Those times are fewer and farther between, though, and I'm grateful for that.

I really don't want to sound dramatic, but remembering her is a fine balancing act. One must do so carefully. To remember, but not camp out there in that dark place. And when you remember, there are no guarantees that you can run back out of the dark quickly. For me, to remember with just good memories isn't as easy as it sounds. I have a whole flood of family memories because her death is really all tied up with my dad, my mom and my other sister's death. And then that's where it gets overwhelming. They died, but He lives.

Today is the first time I woke up on September 29th and saw a beautiful, blue eyed, crazy haired sweetie looking in my eyes. Hope all warm and soft and sweet. Promises from Him are clearly evidenced today. So, that's what I cling to the most. I believe who He says He is. I believe in His promises. And I believe they are with Him and one day we will all be together.

He is the only one who can fix the broken hearted. She died, but He lives.

He is the only one who truly understands what I feel. She died, but He lives.

He is the Almighty King and He has His hand on my life. She died, but He lives.

Moving forward, we are. I see His healing hand in her friends and our family. I see hope and new life and I am beyond grateful for His love to all of us in our darkest moments. This morning I asked my husband if he had any parting words of encouragement for me today. And he said that I have come a long way and that Terri would be proud.

Indeed she would, we have all come a long way. Because He lives, she now also lives with Him...and the best is yet to come.

My little stream in the wasteland...

2010-06-30T14:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, so I haven't blogged an entry since last September. Wow. I've tried so many times to sit down and write an entry and it just wouldn't happen. Words and thoughts so deep and so many that it's been nearly impossible to write them down. Seriously.

I've found that I have been so in awe of God's power and mercies and gifts that to try and capture how I feel about them would be ridiculous. There are not enough words in the english language to even remotely capture how amazing God's goodness is to me.

Um, yeah, you heard me right - me, Toni, the one who has more words come out of my mouth than any human should have. Yeah, I have still been speechless these last 38 weeks...hmm, that's proabably a good thing...especially for my husband...by I digress...

We were told we had a less than 2% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own. So, after many years of trying to conceive, our precious Amber and Emma were born via IVF after two previous failed IVF attempts...and they were frozen embryos at that! Making their dramatic entrance two months premature and almost losing Amber the first week she was born, we were ectastic to finally bring them home from the hospital and begin our dream of being parents at last.

After losing my dad and sister to heart attacks and my mom to cancer, we couldn't shake the feeling of wanting to bring a new life into our family. A fresh start, a new life. Sounds easy, right? Nope! After almost four years of trying on our own, we finally accepted that being parents again to a new life was not what God wanted. For me, it took a while to honestly obey God and accept that if that wasn't what He wanted for us, than I could accept it and asked Him to show me what He wanted me to be and do with the rest of my life. What journey did He want me to continue on for Him.

I felt relieved that I had come to this place of peace and acceptance and was excited to see where our lives where going. Well, within a couple of weeks, we found out that we were moving back "home" and would be beginning a new ministry opportunity in the very town that I grew up in. And by the next month, we learned of something so miraculous and a dream so far-reaching that only the God of the universe could have allowed it...we were pregnant!

After the initial shock wore off (which still hasn't entirely happened), I began to realize that because of my obedience to God in accepting that my dream for me would not happen and that God had other, even more amazing dreams for me, that He rewarded us with exactly what we wanted. That's how He works, friends. He delights in lavishing love and gifts on us out of our trust and faith in Him. He always gets the glory in the end...always.

So, here I sit. Thirty eight weeks pregnant, ready to deliver our precious third daugher, Audrey Christina Gulbin. She is named after my sister and grandmother.

Exactly three years ago from right now, I was sitting with my mother while she lived with us under hospice care and participating in her final days on earth. It was a hard time, but a special time as well. Oh how far God has brought me that three years later, I get to experience new life and a new chapter in my book. To say I feel blessed is an understatement.

Turns out one of my streams in the wasteland will be about 8 pounds of sugar and I'm pretty sure that my world is about to go from black and white to bursts of vivid color...all because God loves me and has a plan for me...and because He promised He would make a way for me...

If you are in a place of waiting and wondering, don't lose faith! Read His word, talk to Him, obey Him and follow Him. His dream for you is so much bigger than you could ever dream for yourself! He is working in you while you wait. He is molding and shaping you into exactly what He wants you to be. He will make a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland along the way. His promises are true!

Good revelations...

2009-09-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

Since I always post about hard/sad things - how about a good post for a change? Sounds like fun to me!

God has really been speaking to me lately - I mean really speaking to me. Mainly through scripture. I just can't seem to read enough of it. I've also been reading a lot of books about scriptures and people in the bible and the lessons we can learn from them. Great stuff!

A couple of scriptures really spoke to me today:

Isaiah 25:1
Oh Lord, I will honor and praise your name, for you are my God. You do such wonderful things! You planned them long ago, and now you have accomplished them.

Isaiah 25:4
But you are a tower of refuge to the poor, O Lord, a tower of refuge to the needy in distress. You are a refuge from the storm and a shelter from the heat.

Isaiah 26:3-4
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.

God has been teaching me so much lately that it's just too hard to put in words. Besides, I feel like they are words meant only for me for right now, and I like that it's just me and God sharing such special things.

So, it's been a good day all the way around in many areas of my life and I am so grateful for that!

Praise God!
toni

God is in the little things...

2009-09-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Below is an entry from my journal three years ago today. Hard to believe she has been gone four years now. If you ever doubt that God is in the little things...then keep on reading. He knows us. He loves us and He looks out for us - even in the details of our sorrows.

Tonight I'm thinking of my Good Little One. That's what I used to call Terri when we were growing up. My Good Little Sister, Terri. Tonight, Sis, I'm thinking of you and only you.

One year ago today was the last time I saw you - ever. Even though it is mine and Jay's wedding anniversary, you and I together went to Great Gran's house to collect Dad's things. Remember we went to eat with Miss K, Aunt Sheila and Aunt Patty at the Tea Room? You and I shared the most delicious dessert of raspberries, blueberries and strawberries on pound cake with lots of whipped cream. That was sooo good. We laughed our way through eating it because we did it so fast. It was very yummy. I remember the way you smiled at me sitting next to me as we ate that dessert.

I remember trying to find a gas pump open and laughing at all the crazy drivers trying to fight for the first one open.

I remember us going to the cemetary to visit Dad - just you and I. And saying, "Hey Deddy, we're here". You thought that was funny the way I just talked to him, and yet that's how I talk to you now. I told him he could visit us in the way of a butterfly or something so we would know he was there. And by george, at that precise moment, a butterfly fluttered and danced around the two of us for about 5 minutes. We stood there staring at each other in disbelief. What a memory. Do you know that the very next time I went to visit Dad at the cemetary after you were gone, that two butterlies fluttered around me. I was sure and still am, that that was you and Dad.

I remember us leaving Cartersville that day and stopping at the gas station for a "pit stop", as Dad used to call them. You insisted on buying me a coke and a small bag of white cheddar cheez-its. I told you that I could get it and you said, "Toe, I think I can swing a bag of cheez-its and a coke". We laughed so hard. That was the best day spending with you even though it was a sad one. We joked and reminisced all the way home. I still have that empty bag of cheez-its. I decided to keep it even before you passed away.

I remember telling you goodbye and that I loved you as I pulled out of your driveway. My last memory of you is you holding Molly standing at your garage waving and telling me you loved me. Your beautiful red hair and sweet smile staring back at me.

You were gone two weeks later. God, I miss you. Why did He take you? I want you back even now. I've never stopped loving or missing you. The void is deep and dark and goes on forever. You, my love, will never be replaced. There will never be another Miss Tree. Your heart physically broke, and my heart emotionally broke. I miss you with an intensity that goes on forever.

Do you know I think of you all the time? I wish I had said certain things differently and done things differently. I'm sorry if I hurt you or was disrespectful at times. I guess it's just a sister thing. Forgive me for ever hurting you.

God is healing, though. Peace is slowly settling in. The grieving goes on, but hope is drifting in through the pain. You would want us to be happy and to trust in God. Those were your last words to me, "Don't worry, Toe. It's all going to work out and be okay".

I know you are with me. I feel you all the time. Thank you for loving me still. Help me with God to move on without feeling guilty while honoring you and your life all the while. I'll never forget you. NEVER.

My love to you tonight. God be with me and heal my heart.
I love you sis.
Toni

Here's where the detail comes in: I wanted Jay to come with us on that trip to get my dad's things. He insisted that I was to go alone with Terri. I was furious with him and all week before we left, I kept begging him to go with us. It was our 12 year anniversary after all, and I needed him to be with me emotionally, to help me bear the burden of it all. I didn't want to take that trip without him. He repeatedly insisted that he didn't feel he was supposed to go and that it was a time for just me and Terri to spend together. How stupid, I thought. There would be plenty of time to spend together...

I was actually extremely frustrated and very angry that he refused to go. I just couldn't understand it and neither could he. It was just a feeling he had and he wasn't budging on it.

It turned out that my time with Terri that day turned out to be the last time I ever saw her. A couple of weeks after she passed, both Jay and I began to realize the details of God's love in regards to that day of our anniversary. He placed a feeling in Jay's heart that it was not his place to go, that it was to be a special time for just me and Terri. I cried so hard when I realized God's love for me even before tragedy hit us. I would not trade that day with her for a million dollars, and all because my husband received a hunch from the Holy Spirit what not to do.

That, my friends, is how God is in the details of our life. How many things have we overlooked that He alone should get praise for?

Happy 15 year anniversary, sweetheart. Thank you for following your heart and His spirit. I am forever endowed to you for it.

I love you, Terri - I'm also thinking of you today and loving you still!!!!!

Finding my way to making a way...

2009-08-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven't really posted much in a while on this blog. Mainly because I just haven't been inspired enough to do so. Every time I think I'm ready, I sign in and then try and type something but it just won't come out. My fingers sit still and empty on the keyboard. Do you know how frustrating that is for me? It's like not having anything to say, which if you know me, well, then you would know how that really drives me nuts.

I'm going to be honest, something I don't like to always do. I'm struggling. I just am. Sometimes I don't like to think about how hard my life is because, really, nobody wants to hear about it. That's the truth. And also because I'm trying to stay positive and keep my head up above trusting in God. But, try telling that to my heart. That's a whole different story.

I don't like to admit that I'm Toni with a broken heart. But that is who I am. That is my story. And I do feel all alone most of the time. In fact, I've never felt lonelier in my entire life. There, I said it. Some days I feel just as lost as I did at the beginning four yeas ago right when the deaths began. The devil likes to suck me back in to the same place emotionally, as if I haven't grown at all. It's very hard to pull out of that. He's nastily clever like that, and I hate it.

I think one of the hardest parts about my life is that I haven't exactly found the "way in the desert" like I wanted and the "streams in the wasteland" are not quite what I expected them to be. And that has made me feel like a failure, like something is wrong with me. There's that clever devil again. Ooohh, I hate how he does that to me. Ever felt that way?

I am approaching the death anniversaries and I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings at all. I don't think I can anymore, to be honest. But, at the same time I am desperate to find my "streams" and I know the TRUTH - that only He, God Himself, can provide that for me and HE WILL. I will cling to His promises and His truths and His peace because He is who He said He is.

So, will things ever be the same again? No they are not!!!!!! But He is a God of renewal and He will allow good to come out of my sadness because He promises us in His Word that He will. So, the only thing that is guaranteed to stay the same is HIM - and that will be enough for me.

Can you pray for me as I approach the four year anniversary of my dad and sister passing and the two year anniversary of my mom passing? Can you pray for me as I'm on my way to His making a way for me?

love,
toni

Savoring What You Have

2009-06-25T04:47:00.000-07:00

Epiphany thought of the day:

Here is my precious cargo.

They just left for Vacation Bible School. Together. All three healthy, happy and smiling. More precious than silver or gold. All three a gift directly from God above. I am blessed even for this single moment in time. Waving good-bye to my sweet, precious threesome of life itself. They pulled out of the driveway just now and I closed my eyes trying to duplicate the very last image of them smiling and waving and shouting, "I love you mom"!

By God's choosing and will, they will return to me. Unharmed and still smiling with loud, contagious laughter and more hugs than there are stars in the sky. And I will then have the chance of one more day to be loved enough by God to experience this amazing journey of life on earth with these three precious creatures.

Morbid? Maybe. Realistic? Yes. God tells us to count our blessings and thank Him for only GOOD things come from Him. But, sometimes in life, in this imperfect earthly life as we know it, there are imperfect situations. Ones in which God knows will happen and yet He allows it to happen. Why? We will probably never know. It's not really for us to know if you want to go deep and explore it. This life is imperfect at best and we are to be thankful when the GOOD times are the GOOD times and when the bad times come, well as hard as it is to say, we are to still be thankful - that God will walk us through it. He never promises a life without pain or imperfection, but He does promise a perfect eternal life with Him in Heaven - like forever. No more tears. No more sadness. Just absolute perfect bliss.

I say all this to say some families have to experience the unthinkable. And believe me, I know this. Read about this family here. http://www.wsbtv.com/news/19843595/detail.html

Pray for them. Think about them. And remember today how blessed you really are for even just today. You never know when today is your last. I've said it before and I'll say it a million times if I have to. It is so important you understand this as best you can. Be grateful for today and mean it.

Savor what you have and give thanks to the only One who should get credit - God our Heavenly Father above.

While I'm Waiting by John Waller

2009-05-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XazqArchgR8

This is where I am right now...

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

2009-03-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is
You want from meI give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

Lent is here...

2009-02-26T05:19:00.001-08:00

Never in my 34 years have I ever been concerned with Lent. I grew up baptist and they just don't celebrate Lent. I marvel at the entire concept and this year more than ever, I am just so hungry for these 40 days. Seriously - like starving - for this process.

Father God, I humbly come before you and ask you to "show up" in a big way in my life and in my home. I need you and I truly desire to come to know you intimately. I am constantly amazed in my life how you "show up" time and time again in ways that allow me to grow and change and heal. I know you are always with me, but the "show up" times are times when I say, "Hello God - you're here - you really are here". I ask that in these 40 days you give me the signs to stop and find you. I need clarification on some things, God, and I need you to light them up with neon signs this time so I don't miss them. Prepare my heart in such a way that I hear you very clearly. Jay and I need your direction and wisdom and need to follow you desperately, no matter what the scenery of life make look like. I pray that your neon signs will light our way. I pray for peace like I've never experienced before. You know my hurts and you know just what triggers them, so I pray for protection of my heart and soul. I pray that you would manifest yourself right in front of Amber and Emma and that they may see you for themselves and know that it's you. They are already asking of you, Lord, and they so want to hear from you. That yearning that you place in us is really present in them and they are seeking Lord. Just like the rest of us. We are all seeking and may we be like the little children and come unto you. Always seeking and asking, always looking for love and acceptance, and always finding it with you. And trusting your answer "just because you said so". Annoint me Father and my entire household. We know you hold our hands and help us to walk with you these next 40 days.

Amen

RIP Lubby

2009-02-15T14:20:00.001-08:00

You sweet, sweet dog - for fourteen long years. I can't believe your gone. I miss you chupsters. Mommy loves Lubby...

Lubby is gone...

2009-02-13T07:36:00.000-08:00

Lubby just passed away a few mintues ago. Jay and I were with him as he took his last breaths. He was laying on his favorite blanket here in the living room and he didn't suffer. Oh my, too many words and not knowing what to say. Just pray for us as we have to tell the girls when they get home and take him to Grammy's backyard for a burial. Will post more later. It's going to be a long day and I'm already tired...

It's Friday...lots of thoughts in my head

2009-02-13T06:13:00.001-08:00

Well, so much to say and not sure how. Just lots of thoughts swirling in my head on this Friday. I'm sitting here listening to my 14 year old dog, Lubby, breathing heavy and resting during his last few days with us. The time has come and I believe he will be passing away soon. He has been an amazing dog, and I will post later about all of that. Just know that I am in a season of my life where I'm having to say good-bye again, but trusting in God still. That's kind of all I know how to do, anyway!

I have a few friends on my mind today. They are hurting and need love and healing. Oh, my friends, aren't we all searching for that peace, acceptance and healing? Why does it always seem something is missing? Oh, Father, help me to realize in a very real way that you are right here with me holding me up - and for my friends to feel that, too.

Tomorrow is valentine's day and love is in the air. Some people want to boycott the day because they don't have a sweetheart. Nonsense! If there is anyone in your life, parents, children, family, friends - love on them! As a sweet friend reminded me today, we never know what day will be our last and it's worth it to love on people because we all need love! Love on them as if today is your last day. Now, that's a memory worth remembering.

Jay and I are working real hard to better ourselves and work through years of emotional "stuff" and just "life" in general. So, we've been taking an emotional and spiritual journey of seeking God and just trying to figure this life out. Yeah, right, like that's probably never going to happen! But, I feel a rising within us that only God can do and a revolution is on it's way...

Well, those are my rambling thoughts for now.

Thank you, God, for being our ultimate Valentine - you gave your life for us and showed us how to love like you...

Uggh

2009-02-05T17:57:00.000-08:00

Ya'll, seriously. Some days I just don't get it. I probably never will. Can you pray for me that I will have the heart of Jesus about something that causes me anxiety and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach?

Matthew 11:28 -29 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

A Praise and a Prayer Request

2009-01-31T10:35:00.000-08:00

Yeah for Amber! Praise God - he healed her hearing! We took her for a full audiology test last week and she passed with flying colors. The audiologist has no idea why she failed 3 screening tests and why she couldn't hear the tones in the earphones on the last screening. She says her hearing is perfectly normal and doesn't detect a problem at all. Wow! I was standing in the room when she failed that last test and the tone was so loud that I couldn't even put the earphone to my ear - yet Amber never flinched. From that moment on, I began to pray earnestly and faithfully that God would heal her ears. I've never really been that bold before in my prayers, but I realized that it was time I truly trust in God and not expect the worse. So, yeah - I am rejoicing in the best!

And on a sad note, please pray for us as we spend whatever remaining time we have left with our dog, Lubby. He is 14 years old and was diagnosed with cancer 2 1/2 months ago. He's already lived longer than they expected and we have really spoiled him and loved on him these last couple of months. He's had a couple of bad days yesterday and today and I'm thinking we might be heading into the last lap and maybe entering into the final stages - however long that might be. As if I don't know about that - been there, done that, don't really want to do it again. I feel like I always have to say good-bye.

Anywhoo...God is still God and I'm trusting in His love and mercy today.

Amber's take on the new president...

2009-01-21T09:36:00.000-08:00

Since Amber and Emma got to watch the inauguration on tv at school yesterday, they incorporated that into their daily lessons for the class. Amber had to answer a couple of questions and her answers are so cute!

I think the hardest job for the President is:

...doing all of his hard work.

If I were President, the first thing I would do is:

...do all of my paper work so the next day I could relax and have no work. (she is soooo my child!)

Things I would take to the White House:

...books, coloring books for my children, clothes, book bags, food, shoes and furnicher (furniture).

Proud Parent? You bet! Amber and Emma turned 7 seven years old on Monday! I can't believe it!

PS - Please pray for Amber. She failed 3 hearing screenings in the past two weeks. She has complained of her ears popping in the last month or two. We are taking her for a complete audiology test tomorrow and then will see an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor. We are very concerned and as parents, worried silly. We know God is in control, but our fears are lingering on the edge. Please pray for healing of her hearing and that no matter what the results are, that we trust God in ALL THINGS!

Being Real - and not giving up

2009-01-07T06:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, so my last entry was harsh. Wow. It was harsh. Just know I'm working very hard at things, one day at a time. I'm not giving up or giving in, just being real and hoping for the best. Sometimes I feel as if I am one big act - giving people what they want to see because sometimes I don't even want to acknowledge my true thoughts. Sometimes it's not an act, it's just become my life. The one I choose to live by faith. And sometimes my act is in response to me living what you must believe so that in turn, your life is faith. Confusing, right? That's what I say.....

One day at a time, people, one day at a time....

Well, hello 2009

2009-01-03T08:17:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted much because I haven't really been in the mood to do so. Not much to say, really. I have lots of thoughts in my head, but don't want to share them yet. Some, because no one will even get it and I'm tired of sharing thoughts when no one really cares. And some thoughts because it's not the right time yet. Lots of dreams and thoughts and just waiting to see what God has in store for us this year.

The holidays were harder for me emotionally than I had hoped they would be. So, I just felt like being quiet, reflective and in the moment with my husband and children.

All I can say is 2009 will definitely be a change for us. It's time for things to be different and not to be afraid to follow God and His will for us. And not to be afraid to stand up to some things that need to change and for issues to be dealt with and move on - once and for all.

Please keep us in your prayers as we continue to seek healing and God's direction in our lives. We just need to be loved on, plain and simple and I intend to find a way for me and Jay and Amber and Emma to experience just that - one way or the other. No more games. Time for acceptance and love - unconditionally.

So, bring it on 2009 - God lead the way!

Happy New Year,
toni

I couldn't make this up if I wanted to...

2008-11-26T06:44:00.000-08:00

Last Friday, I visited my Grandmother and spent some time with her having lunch and chatting. While there, she gave me several things that belonged to my dad that she just found when cleaning out a closet. I am so grateful she wanted to share these things with me. One of the items was a bible given to my dad as a graduation gift in 1961. There are several pieces of paper with notes of all kinds placed in various pages of this bible. Early on, my dad was called into the ministry and served as choir director and youth director at various churches. Unfortunately, my dad left the ministry to pursue his own business venture and I'm sorry he left the ministry earlier in his life because he had so much left to give!

There was a notecard in one of the pages and it reads this:

God has a place for every planned creation

A path for every star to go

He drew the course for every rivers journey

Now I know he has a way for me

I place my life in the hands of God

Those hands so scarred now outstretched for me

Wherever it may be over land over sea

May thy will sublime o thou God divine be mine

Now in His will my soul finds life worth living

Each day new blessings from above

Tho' shadows come and valleys seem unending

Still I know He makes a way for me

Hello? How amazing is this! The title of my blog is Making A Way. God revealed this to me in a prayer/study time a couple of months ago. Read my verse at the the top of this blog.

When I read this notecard in my dad's handwriting, I simply couldn't believe it. I knew immediately it was a confirmation from God. How loving and personal He is. He led me to that scripture and He led me to my dad's bible. Wow!

I did some research and discovered that the words above are lyrics to a song titled God Will Make A Way. I discovered an additional verse. See below. Oh how these words ring true for me. And they can ring true for you, too. God is telling us He still has plans for us. I believe this with my whole heart. Oh, I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

God will make a way where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way

Oh, Dad, how you still are speaking to me and teaching me still. I bet you had no idea....I love you!

love,
toni

My Girls

2008-11-20T06:03:00.001-08:00

I just want to say my girls are so yummy! I can't believe how in love with them I am. And every year, every month, every day and moment just keeps getting better and better. I think it's because the fog of my grief is beginning to wear off and I can see and feel more clearly now. Amber and Emma are just the sweetest, funniest, smartest kids ever! I could just hold them all day and never let go. I am so proud of them and proud that my most important job is being their mom. I forgot to send their snack with them to school today, so I just went and dropped it off in their classrooms. Amber was sitting in the floor with her other classmates and they were all raising their hands for some question their teacher had just asked. She looked so sweet and innocent sitting there with her friends. And Emma was working in her class as well. She was putting something up when I walked in with her snack. Both of the girls' faces just lit up when they saw me. And best of all? I'm simply their hero, not for forgetting their snack in the first place, but for bringing it directly to them so they wouldn't be left out today. It's the little things that make being a mom so rewarding.

I am in so in love!!!! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the gift of children, the gift of life even in the midst of so much loss. You truly give and take away, and I am so grateful that you have allowed me to have these precious children. Oh how badly you knew I would need them!

I love you Amber and Emma with all my heart. Simply droplets of sunshine from Heaven!

love,

toni

holiday smells...

2008-11-12T11:56:00.000-08:00

My new favorite thing....Glade cinnamon gingerbread candle! I heart this smell!

I'm opening a can of worms...

2008-11-05T12:34:00.001-08:00

Heaven help me, but I'm about to open a can of worms. And all I can say is if you disagree with me, you certainly have that right. Just understand that since I am expressing myself on my own blog, that I am certainly entitled to my own opinions and I'm not looking for a fight!

I've made several observations over the course of this election campaign. Some of them have been outright saddening. The opinions of some people, strangers or family and friends, have been extremely disheartening. Having an opinion on various issues in our country is absolutely American - and I expect people to do so. However, having an opinion regarding the color of skin of a presidential candidate is outright WRONG.

I've been convicted today to post this on my blog, and believe me, I've been trying to avoid it. But, I feel I need to express this. And here is where I'm going to alienate people I know probably.....

If you have feelings that you either keep private to yourself or share with others that you simply do not want a black man for president - then shame on you!!!!!!! It is time to put your hypocritical christian ideas away. To behave and live life as a christian and then denounce anyone of color because they are not worthy to be president, you have just negated any christian example you have ever given and it's about time someone puts a stop to this.

I grew up in a household where racial slurs where readily given. Sadly, not just to be mean, but because it was a way of life. No where in the bible does God's word expect us to behave this way, and in the year 2008, people should know better. Please look into your hearts and talk to God about this. If you think I'm nuts and you disagree with me - ask God - I'm sure you're not going to get the answer you want.

I am actually excited that Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States. And yes, I voted for him (okay everyone can pick up their jaws off the floor now). I hope you were even a little inspired if you listened to his speech last night. This man comes from several different backgrounds regarding race, and I do believe he has a different kind of understanding. And he is a christian. He talks to God. He is not a radical terrorist who is going to get us all killed. Do you actually think the United States government didn't do a background check on him when he started this campaign? If he was an actual threat, he would have been removed along time ago. So, please don't fall prey to mass hysteria and rumors. Get your facts straight.

If your opinion differs from mine (and I'm sure it does to most who read this), please know I would appreciate you keeping your negative thoughts on race to yourself and not express it to me or my children. Jay and I are raising Amber and Emma in a different environment, where racial slurs are not commonplace. They are learning to love all. For goodness sakes, if we tell Amber and Emma that God loves them and that He has plans for them and that they can be anything they want to be when they grow up, then how could we ever tell them that people of color can not?

Remember, that even though your presidential candidate might not have been elected this time, and your are afraid that this country is going to hell.....remember that God is still the same God He was before the final votes were counted. He is still in control no matter who is president. We must continue our fervent prayers and trust Him with all things, including the safety and decisions of our political leaders as they lead our nation.

No task is too big for God and He loves us all, no matter what color we were born.

Oh my, now I've done it, I bet I've fired some people up! Love me anyway!

peace and love,
toni

October was fun....

2008-11-02T14:56:00.000-08:00

October - enough said! Now, on to turkey day - phew!

Windy days....

2008-10-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

If you like the wind, you'll understand this post. If not, well, you're out of luck. But, I digress....

Today I went for a walk and it's very, very windy out today. The sun is sort of shining behind lots of puffy and fluffy clouds. You know, the kind that look like cotton balls. The sky behind the clouds is a mixture of pure blue and light gray, as a storm system is on it's way ready to dump buckets of rain on us tomorrow.

I happen to love the wind. Especially on days like today. I like to close my eyes, outstretch my arms and such peace envelopes me. I don't get to experience windy days often, so I reveled in it today. The wind, although invisible, whips around me and washes away so many things. It washes away doubt, fear, pain, troubles of all kind and leaves me feeling so refreshed.

I believe the wind when I experience it like that is the Holy Spirit and He speaks to me in ways others just cannot understand. I am grateful for these times as I feel momentary peace. Just like my loved ones in Heaven must feel all the time. What a relief and what a load off of me when I realize that one day I will get to feel the relief of all my troubles for eternity, not just momentarily.

The wind also reminds me of my innermost feelings that I want to release and am never quite sure how or where or why. The wind today was gusty and quite fierce at times. Just like my screams on the inside, and my anger and frustration and my pain. Oh, how I wish I could use the force behind the wind to get out the force of my inner feelings. And in walking in the wind, I get to do just that, let it all fall out and let the wind carry it far, far away. Remember, the wind is the Holy Spirit, so He is very capable of taking all I need Him to take from me. The heavy load of my hardest days. The amputation of loved ones lost. He can heal it all, my friends.

So, today, thank you God for the wind. Thank you for my encounter with you. May it carry me through today, still one day at a time.

peace and love,
toni

Happy Fall Y'all!

2008-10-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

Well, fall is really starting to kick in around our house. Here are some pictures to keep us all in the mood - considering it's 85 degrees today! Good grief Charlie Brown.....great pumpkin anyone?

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

2008-10-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well.....I guess I'm officially 34 years old! Not too long ago, that seemed ancient to me. But, here I am and don't really feel any differently than I did at 33 yesterday. In fact, when I woke up this morning, I told Jay, "Oh no, I forgot to enjoy being 33 last night!" Funny, huh?

Jay and I went to Tea at Seven Springs and had full parlor tea today. It was so yummy! We had delicious finger sandwiches, scones, desserts and hot and iced tea. It was a fun date in the middle of the day while the kids where in school. Thank you to so many of you that mailed me a birthday card. This is the most I've gotten in a very long time. These last three days I've had so much fun going to the mailbox in anticipation of what would be in there. In fact, I got 4 cards in one day yesterday!

Amber and Emma gave me candy corn (a weakness of mine at this time of year) and two funny musical cards and Jay gave me a new pair of pajamas - woo hoo! Grammy and Amy will be coming over this weekend and we'll have dinner and a yummy cake that Grammy is making. I can't wait to sink my teeth into it. Early on Saturday we are going to Ellijay to get apples, apple cider, fried apple pies, etc. and then we are off to a real pumpkin patch farm. The girls are really excited and I'm looking forward to some fun family time.

I'll post more birthday photos later, but below are two of the cutest ones ever! One morning this week, I went in to wake up the kids for school and this is how sweet and angelic they look right before I woke them up. Notice how Amber is sleeping on her teddy bear "Whitey". How sweet! The other one is me having a cupcake with the girls today.

peace and love,
toni

Well....today's Sept. 29th....

2008-09-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

Here's what I have to say about today - {{{{{{sigh}}}}}}}.

I've been pondering all day how I feel and trying to come up with something to sum up what today means. It's not been easy. In fact, just an overall uneasy feeling all day. Nothing in particular, just indifferent.

And then it happened while I was cooking dinner. I couldn't get a cookie sheet to fit back in the cabinet and it all of a sudden it made me so mad that I took every pan, muffin tin, and cooling rack that I could get my hands on and pulled them out and threw them across the kitchen. At which point, Jay stopped in his tracks and asked if he could help. To which I just said, leave me alone. Bless his sweet heart, he's been through this enough to know what that means and he quietly walked out of the kitchen.

That's when I realized how to sum my feelings up in regards to today's 3rd year anniversary of Terri's death - ANGER AND LOTS OF IT! Well, I said to myself, I was wondering when this phase would happen - three years later. This grieving process has no time table, it just is what it is.

I've also realized that there is truly no point in hashing over what happened to sweet Terri. Heart defect or not, God knew that was her day to go "home". That her work on earth was finished. Soooooo crazy! At least to us, anyway. There are some things in life that are just never going to make sense and that's how it is. Losing my dad was one thing - he was obese and had smoked for years - a heart attack was probable. It was another thing losing my mom, her cancerous disease invaded her body and we knew eventually she would die from cancer. But, Terri - now that's one that just doesn't settle into my bones. There is no peace, just fact, really. It is what it is.

Where was God in all of this? He was there when Terri was giving Molly her last bath and when she tucked Molly in and said good night. He was standing right next to both of them. He was right in the bedroom when Terri looked at Joey and breathed her last. He was there when Joey called 911 and then several others of us to let us know what was going on. He was there when the paramedics desperately tried in vain to revive her. He was there holding me when I answered the phone and Joey told me she wasn't breathing. He was there when Joey called me back 45 minutes later to tell me they were at the hospital and she was officially "gone". He was there when I screamed into my pillow NOOOOOOOOOO! on the car ride over to mom's after I hung up the phone with Joey. He was there when I told mom the horrific news as she crumbled to the living room floor screaming and sobbing uncontrollaby. He was there when Joey was numb and in shock, and yet feeling the pain of Terri's seperation all at the same time. He was there when Renee and I did Terri's hair, make up and nails for the funeral. He was there when we all said our good-byes to her in the funeral home and at the cemetary. He was with precious Molly and with my mom as they both began to grieve. One too young to grasp the depth of this new situation and one wise enough to fully grasp and understand the depth of losing a child, as this was her second one she lost to Heaven. He has been there as each one of us has tried to pick up the pieces and move on. Heaven help us, we are moving on.

He is with us still. Each of us in our own unique way. I ask God all the time to give messages to Terri and my family. I believe with my whole heart that He does. And I believe that even they pray for us as we struggle down here. The only thing I do understand, through faith, is that God loves us and He will heal us. He truly knows our pain, friends, He really does.

I don't have to feel any certain way at all if I don't want to. God doesn't require me to feel anything, just to trust Him along the way. So, God I give you my anger tonight. My heart is heavy and I need your healing. We all need your healing.

Here are a few pictures of Terri. May we find a way to rejoice in her life, as short as it was, and ask God to heal the bad memories of that night and all the hard nights since then. May we honor Terri and live a life worthy of her smile and laughter. She would want us to give it our best, and for goodness sake, she would not want all this suffering for us. She just wouldn't.

I love you Terri, with every thing in me and I'll always love you forever. Still missing you deeply.......

love,

toe

A Few Funnies & Fun

2008-09-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've been serious enough lately. Here are a couple of funny and fun things happening around our household lately:

Amber lost her first front tooth! This makes her 4th tooth she's lost all total. She's definitely becoming a pro at it. She did it all by herself insisting on privacy in the bathroom until the job was complete. That's definitely my girl!

Emma got fitted for new glasses yesterday. The new ones will be pink and the frames more "grown up" for her. She is so excited to get them. It will take about a week to come in.

Their school pictures came back great! I can't believe how much they've grown since last year's school pictures. My babies are not babies anymore, but "real" kids now.

Lubby turned 14 years old this month and he's doing great for a grandpa dog! His hearing isn't so great, he moves slow, and sleeps alot, but pretty much is still up to the same old tricks. He can still climb up on the couch!

The other day the girls were playing in their toy room when I heard Emma getting very frustrated and crying. I came in to check on things. Emma was trying to stuff all of her play animals into the ark and the ark kept popping open. I told her that was too many animals to put in the ark and she proceeded to exclaim through tears that, "Mommy, they have to all fit because they have to sail across the ocean so they can go to Paris and see the Ipill Tower". I said, "You mean the Eiffle Tower? And she said, "No mom, the Ipill Tower". I asked her how did she even know of such a place and very definitively she said, "From Dora the Explorer". As if to say, mom get with the program. Too funny!

We are gearing up for fun fall activities. Bring on the pumpkins, apple cider, pumkin pies, fried apple pies, bonfires, hot chocolate, sweaters and sweatshirts, and beautiful orange, red, yellow and brown leaves. Thank you God for the changing of seasons as it sure is a reminder of your power and might through mother nature. You really are in control!

Who says making a way is easy?

2008-09-14T17:59:00.001-07:00

Well, don't let my life be an illusion as to how "easy" this road is. Just when you think you "can do this" - lo and behold the reality can come and slap the bejeebas out of your face. I know my posts sound just downright peachy, but I feel I must post even when life feels like crap!

We are in the process of cleaning out our garage and the storage unit (where most of the rest of my mom's belongings are) so we can get ready for a garage sale next weekend. Most of the day yesterday I readily threw things away or eagerly put them in the garage sale pile without even feeling the least bit sad. And I was feeling downright proud of myself, until......I went back to the storage unit by myself and after 20 minutes I was okay until.....I looked in one last box. It held a variety of odd items. I found something wrapped in paper and realized it was a drinking glass and a long handle spoon right next to it. I immediately recognized what it was and why I put it there. When moving things out of mom's apartment last year, the last thing I brought myself to finally pack up were the last few random things on her kitchen counter. Mainly because it still felt like her home and she was there if the kitchen looked "normal" with dishes in the dryboard of the sink. Mom loved eating ice out of a glass - hence the long handled spoon. That was the last dish she used and washed and left to dry in her sink before she came to live with me and start hospice. That silly glass brought stinging tears to my eyes and an immediate guteral anger at God for making me have to go through all of this. And how in the world is someone here one minute and not the next? I witnessed her death and still am amazed and perplexed by the whole event. When I picked up that glass and spoon from the box, it was if she was right there.

It feels so wrong to be selling or packing up things. Like she will come back any minute and say, what in the world are you doing? Now, of course I know better. And really, mom is saying, "honey, get rid of that stuff! I need it no more and neither do you!"

And then I ask God, why in the world did you take Terri? We should be dividing mom's things between us and we should be going through this together! I need her shoulder to lean on, her body to hold and hug, her laughs to ease the pain and her beautiful smile bringing one to mine. Oh my precious Terri! Oh, how my soul longs for you! How empty my life still is without you!

My inner core is stamped with all of their love and to not have them in my life still has me physically aching to where I simply can't catch my breath.

Okay - so I've been truthful. This all stinks and I hate how my life has turned out. If knew this road was the one I would have to be on, I would have turned and ran the other way. I would never have been brave enough to willingly go through this. God chose me to live through this - not them - but me. Why oh why? Because HE HAS PLANS FOR ME AND HE WILL MAKE A WAY! Oh, how He does love me and is right by my side!!!!! Reminder to us all that this WAY is not always easy, but God promises beautiful views, blessings, and gifts along the way. And He promises us He will not leave our side.

Thank you God for your promises and for your hope of eternal life in you where we will experience pain no more - only joys upon joys. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Thank you Sweet Jesus.

toni

Happy 14th Anniversary

2008-09-10T04:14:00.000-07:00

Well, hard to believe it's been 14 years! We actually starting dating 4 years before we got married, so altogether that's 18 years! It doesn't seem like we should be that old - but I think the beginning of our gray hairs and expanding waistlines has proved it.....anywhoo.....

I certainly cannot imagine my life without Jay and what a marriage we have had. We have truly experienced the good, the bad and the ugly. I am so grateful for him in my life and I know there are so many chapters still left to be written to our book. What a novel we have.

I think Jay would agree that we are most thankful for the miracle gifts of Amber and Emma. They have taught us so much and have healed us in places that only children can do. They are their own persons, yet they are exacty replicas of us. God knew how desperately we would need them and not a day goes by that we don't forget that. We are so blessed.

Below are the lyrics to a song I discovered yesterday. I immediately thought of me and Jay and how we are truly starting over in a sense. Time to move on and embrace what God has for us. We just can't dwell on the past forever. It's part of who we are, but it isn't how the rest of our lives will be. That's the miracle of God's love. He always has better things in store - even for marriages and families.

I Won't Look Back by Need to Breathe

Love, love isn't always

Love, the way that we mean

Just like you are right now is all, all that I need

Let's start over, don't be afraid 'cause I won't keep track

Let's climb to the top

If you won't look down, I won't look back

Love, love isn't always

Love, the kind that you hold

I will be here waiting if you, you can let go.

Let's start over, don't be afraid 'cause I won't keep track

Let's climb to the top

If you won't look down, I won't look back

Jay - I love you sweetheart.

Forever yours,

Clips

Encourage One Another

2008-09-08T07:33:00.000-07:00

Today I want to remind us to encourage one another. Encouragement. Is that something you feel like you get on a regular basis? Are you giving it on a regular basis?

Trust me when I tell you this is simply not done enough. We all need it so much, all the time, for all kinds of reasons, at any age and stage in life. I don't know why I need to express this today, but it was laid on my heart this morning as I took my walk. Encouragement goes a long, long, way and can do only nothing but good and can heal wounds, and motivate people to "push" on and not give up!

*You can do this!
*You are not alone. God is with you and so am I.
*I will help you through this.
*We can get through this together.
*You are strong and smart and God created you in His image, so trust in Him.
*God is with you and will walk through this with you.
*Don't give up! Be patient and know that God works in all things for those that love Him.
*This is a season if your life, and you will pull through.
*I am praying for you.
*You are doing a good job being as strong as you can, but let me help you where I can.
*Take heart and have faith. Our plans may not be God's plans, but He loves us and is working in our lives and it will work out.
*Let me take you out to lunch.
*Would you like a night off? I'll watch the kids for you.
*Why don't you come over and have dinner with us?

We all need to be loved on and encouraged. It's really as simple as that. Sometimes we don't want to interfere in people's lives, but that's just where God can work - right in each of our lives. Ask God where He can use you and who you can help, and you might just be surprised to find the encouragement you were looking for yourself.

1 Thessalonians 5:14
And we urge you brothers, warn those that are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

Proverbs 25:11
A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

This One's for You Gipper

2008-09-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

Well, today marks the 3rd anniversary of my dad's passing. When Terri and mom passed away, I was numb, actually, and the impact of their deaths did not quite reach me as deep at first. But, when I heard about Dad - I was completely aware of myself and the news was all too sobering. Straight up, immediate, take your breath away - NOOOOOOO! Mom was so gentle when she called and told me. She made sure Jay was with me before she would even say why she was calling.

I had been crying earlier that day and couldn't figure out why. Later, I discovered I had been crying at exactly the same moment my dad passed. Amazing how our spirits are more intertwined than we realize. My dad was at a point in his life where things seemed to be fitting together and he seemed very happy the last time I spoke with him just the week before. I had been looking forward to seeing him in a couple of weeks. I felt so guilty wishing I had called him the night before he passed. I almost did and got busy with the kids instead. Still regret not calling him to this day.

My dad always made me laugh. He was so funny and so well liked by everyone. He had a beautiful singing voice and I have many precious memories of him playing the guitar and singing. He was witty and intelligent, always thinking way outside of the box. He wrote stories and songs and even believed there had to be a real bigfoot or aliens out there somewhere. He had so much potential not even yet reached.

He used to share his peanut butter and honey sandwich and milk to drink with me when I was little while we watched the Dukes of Hazard on a Friday night. Just me and my dad. Then, of course, as Terri got older she joined us. Although Terri was much funnier than me and she and Dad always seemed like they shared some hillarious, inside joke that only they knew. We all loved Farside comics and the three of us would laugh for hours sharing Farside stories.

I never got as close to my dad as I wanted to. He always said that he didn't think I needed him because I already had it altogether and I had the Lord and Jay and that was enough. How silly, I said, all big girls are just little girls at heart and we still need our dads.

My dad came through for me last year in a surprising way. And boy did he come to check on me! He visited me in a dream just 3 nights before my mom passed away. I had not dreamed about him since he had passed away the two years before. I met him on the sidewalk in front of my house and I got to hug him - and it was a real hug! I was so excited to see him and he was just as excited to see me. I instantly started crying and saying, Dad! He said that I looked so sad. I told him it was because mom was about to die (even at that point, though, I had no idea mom would be dying in several days). He told me he knew that and it would all be okay - that he was here for me and so was God. That he loved me and would always be with me. At that point, we simply walked into my house and enjoyed our brief reunion.

The full impact of that dream did not hit me until a few days after mom died. I had the opportunity to tell her of it the day after I dreamed it. Looking back now, she seemed so at peace when I told her of it.

Friends, some things in life we just simply have no control over. And even though times can be really bleak and unfair, remember, that God knows we are hurting and He will find a way to love on us and protect us in the middle of it. I don't believe my dream was an accident. I completely, with my whole heart, believe God let me see my dad and have him deliver that message. You won't believe how special and strong I felt knowing that my dad and I had that time together and that dream carried me over the course of the next several days of mom's funeral and beyond. I haven't dreamed of him since then. Perhaps God will let me visit with him another time. I miss him so much.

Sometimes I feel like my family just got their ticket to the party before I did. They are all there wondering were we all are. I'm not gonna lie. I don't like they all get to be together in complete peace and with each other while I am left to endure the absence and the grief left in their wake. But I will tell you this. I will see them again and I must choose to believe that every day that I wake up.

Well - Dad, Deddy, Gipper, Granddaddy, Son, Bud - We all miss you and salute the wonderful man that you were and continue to be in our hearts and memories. Thanks for being my dad. Your spirit is with me even still. And the memory of your smile and laughter will never fade from me.

love always,
tot of the lot

Today is a new Day

2008-08-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

One year ago today, my precious mom, Patsy E. Norman Kown, passed away after a 15 year battle with leukemia. This past year has been harder than I ever wanted it to be. Three years ago on September 1, my sweet dad, Tony W. Kown, passed away suddenly from a heart attack. And just 28 days later on September 29, my amazing younger sister, Terri C. Kown Turner, also passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Nine years ago, my older sister, Sherri Snow Robbins, passed away from a short battle with breast cancer.

Dad, Terri and Mom all died on a Thursday. All three were weekend funerals. My mom and dad's funeral were both on a Labor Day weekend. I wasn't ready to say good-bye to any of them. Whoever is, really?

Probably the hardest part of these last three years is going through all of this without my partner in crime, Terri. I just always assumed she and I would handle losing mom and dad together. I am about to be 34 years old in October and my life has turned out to be nothing that I thought it would be......and I'm a planner. So, you can understand how my life being turned upside down hasn't quite set well with me!

I do know one thing for sure. My God has never left my side and He has cried with me. And the best part is - HE STILL HAS PLANS FOR ME! I was getting anxious a couple of weeks ago, knowing that mom's one year death anniversary was coming up. And in the past week, God has spoken to me more than in my entire life! When I opened my bible up to Isaiah, He very clearly told me that it was okay to move on and not dwell on the hardships I have been through. That at this very moment He is making a way for me. A way through the desert and through the mighty waters. He is doing a new thing for me! I am claiming that victory and know it to be true.

God is healing my painful, dreadful memories and allowing me to focus on His plan for my new life now. And He is allowing me to imagine my exciting homecoming in Heaven one day with my family. Oh how wonderful that will be! That is where I will spend my eternity. Loving on my family and praising God and never feeling pain and loss again! Praise God!

So, today, I want to honor my mom and her amazing, strong, spirit, will and determination. Instead of wallowing in sadness and self pity today, I am rejoicing that she is in pain no more and that she is finally reunited with her precious daughters and loving every minute of it. She is trapped no more in her failing body, but completely set free in the power of God and being rewarded for her faithfulness. She would be happy that I am not burdened with her care and she worried so much about how I would handle grieving without her to help me through it. She worried about me being so alone. So have I......but God is MAKING A WAY. And mom would be so happy knowing that I am finding peace and healing.

I love you mom so much. I miss you today more than ever, but instead of raw pain, I feel like I can exhale and smile thinking of you and your love for me. I have been to the pit more times than I want to admit, and most people in my life have had no idea how depressed and in anguish I have been this past year. But, God has been working with me, just as He worked with you and just as the loyal example you showed me in your life, so I WILL BE OKAY! Your blood flows through my veins and your strength is deep rooted inside me. I am striving to set the same example for my girls. And most of all, because of God's grace, His blood has flowed on us.....and has MADE A WAY!

love always,
Lizbeth